Top 10 (Fictional) Albums (That, Though You Feel Obligated To Say They’re Awesome, Would Actually Suck)

Every year, notable artists from our past resurface, trying to get back into our pocketbooks by reuniting the band for one final tour, or releasing those rare unheard studio outtakes. Sometimes it can result in a rich album with fun sexual undertones (Let It Be…Naked), and sometimes it can result in… well, Queen without Freddy Mercury. Below we have the list of the top ten (thankfully) fictional albums that, if released, we’d have to pretend to like. Or, at the very least, not loathe.

10. Bat Out Of Hell III – Meatloaf

Album Summary

15 years after his seminal late-career release “Bat Out of Hell II,” the man, the myth, the entree is back with this, his final(?) studio release, “Bat Out of Hell III.” Featuring songs such as “His Name Was Robert Paulson (And He Had Man Boobs),” “Objects In The Review Mirror Are Behind You, Unless Something Has Gone Horribly Wrong,” and the worldwide sensation, “I Would Do Most Things For Love (But I Still Gotta Insist We Sign a Pre-Nup),” this album helps remind the younger generation that Meatloaf is more than just that dead guy in Fight Club.

Obligatory Positive Review That Fawns the Album with Unnecessary Praise

“Meatloaf here finally takes his epic sound into the 21st century, adding song sampling, broad sexual overtures, and the obligatory Timbaland produced track (“Cougar Hunter”). The album really shines when Meatloaf brings in the biggest stars appear on the album, including Nelly Furtado, Kanye West, and an especially poignant duet with Soulja Boy. After listening to this album, one can only hope that the Bat can escape Hell’s grasp for perhaps a fourth time round in the near future.”

~Richard Pander, Rollingstone.com

9. Jimi Hendrix shooting up heroin and then licking his guitar while on the nod – The Jimi Hendrix Experience

Album Summary

Recorded shortly after the release of “Electric Ladyland,” here we see Jimi Hendrix at his rawest and most vulnerable – strung out on a studio floor, licking his electric guitar after taking a massive dose of Afghani heroin. Featuring unique vocals that still appear like classic Hendrix with tracks like “Mmm… Sahhhhh,” and “Ck…Um…Haaa,” Hendrix shows more subdued, experimental musical stylings with this edgy re-release.

Obligatory Positive Review That Fawns the Album with Unnecessary Praise

“While the transcendentally opaque subdued instrumental gleams a nearly Nostradamus like peak into instrumentation later utilized by Amon Duul II and the later works of The Residents (just to name a few), it is the daring cultural expose that this magnanimous virtuoso demonstrates and flaunts with such divine perspicacity, as if he’s nodding along at a well crafted joke that only he can hear. Audibly.”

~That Guy, pitchforkmedia.com

8. Brian Wilson screaming at the imaginary gnomes in his apartment while hallucinating in the 70’s (featuring silent backing vocals by Pungin, the magical spotted dolphin/dragon/… “Uncle Remis”?) – Brian Wilson

Album Summary

Brian Wilson, the visionary behind such classics as “Pet Sounds,” gives the listener a glimpse into the madness behind his genius with this stunning album. Recorded in the early 70’s, while Wilson was confined to his apartment battling drug addiction and paranoia, the album shows an edge behind Wilson’s historically breezy, harmonic songwriting style. Still featuring the lighthearted melodies that made the Beach Boys famous, Wilson adds screaming choruses with such songs as, “GET THEM OFF MY SKIN BONE,” “HELP ME REMIS THEY WANT TO TAKE MY SHOES,” and the infinitely catchy, “Summertime Surfing the Breeze, please make the voices stop.”

Obligatory Positive Review That Fawns the Album with Unnecessary Praise

“To say it in a word, wow. This album has it all – the raw emotion of Wilson’s shattered psyche meshing beautifully with Wilson’s hauntingly beautiful vocals, and create a true masterpiece.”

~John Shortreview, Blender.com

7. Orangutan’s Pink Motor Coach- The Beatles

Album Summary

This long lost album, written and performed entirely by Ringo Starr, allows the long under-appreciated member of the legendary Liverpool band, shows the band finally letting the drummer take the reins. As kid friendly as a Raffi album, while surely fueled by ungodly amounts of drug use, the album features such pleasant jingles as, “Hello there, Mr. Jangles. I Would Like the Mail Today,” “The Sepia Racecar (Where We’d Love to Live),” and “Please Stop Laughing at My Song Ideas, Paul,” this album shows us a truly unique side to the Beatles.

Obligatory Positive Review That Fawns the Album with Unnecessary Praise

“If you loved the songs that The Beatles wrote that never received recognition on the radio, greatest hits collections, numerous box sets, or The Beatles Anthologies 1-3, then you definitely will find this album quite tolerable. Ringo sounds like he’s having fun here, without the rest of his ‘mates’ trying to tamper with the songs by adding harmonies or song structure. A must have for any Beatles fan!”

~Rachel Ambivalent, Ladies’ Home Journal

6. No, Seriously, Never Mind The Bullocks. Stop Minding The Bullocks! Gawd- The Sex Pistols

Album Summary

Trying to capitalize on the popularity of the punk scene that they helped vitalize, The Sex Pistols (minus, of course, the deceased Sid Vicious) have come back together to reimagine each and every one of their seminal punk tracks. Tracks such as “God Save the Queen (And Eventually Prince Charles),” and “Anarchy in the U.K., U.S.A., and maybe France?” modernize the now-outdated themes of their iconic album.

Obligatory Positive Review That Fawns the Album with Unnecessary Praise

“AWWWWW YEAHHHHH!”

~Jim Excited, punkrockreviews.org

5. Joe Cocker Sings the Complete Works of Gilbert and Sullivan- Joe Cocker

Album Summary

While Joe Cocker’s cover of The Beatles, “Get By (With a Little Help From My Friends)” was his earliest, and some say most successful, hit single, Cocker returns to his roots with this, an album filled with soulful covers of the works of the operetta writers, Gilbert and Sullivan. This expansive CD set, spread over two dozen discs, and lets us see a new, intellectual side to Cocker.

Obligatory Positive Review That Fawns the Album with Unnecessary Praise

“I never, in all my years as a critic, imagined hearing ‘Never? Hardly ever!’ as a background chorus sung by a gospel choir, but I like it!”

~That homeless guy that looks like George Clinton

4. *uncomprehensible short syllabic bursts with three chord punk underbeat* – the Ramones

Album Summary

Two hun ed un ed un ed ours a-gooooo, I wa ta be sah day ted. Too en tee en tee en tee ours a-goooo, I wa ta be sah day ted.

Obligatory Positive Review That Fawns the Album with Unnecessary Praise

“What?”

~Everyone

3. The Who Sell Out (For Real This Time. It’s 2008, and we need the money) – The Who

Album Summary

The Who are back, and this time they’re covering all your favorite current popular songs, while adding their classic rock twist! Featuring covers of “Since U Been Gone,” “See U Again,” and other songs that shorten words by making them single letters or numbers, The Who want your money. Real bad.

Obligatory Positive Review That Fawns the Album with Unnecessary Praise

“Just to prove that rock was never dead, The Who come along to slightly improve on a dozen top 40 tracks in this amazing CD. Easily one of the best albums of the year, I might have to buy this album 3, 4, or maybe even 30 times to fully enjoy it.”

~Manny Rich, Columbia Records

2. Hey Hey, We’re On Acid – The Monkeys

Written shortly after their drug fueled album, “Head,” The Monkeys recorded this album over the course of two days after taking massive amounts of potent LSD, the band’s fun time antics are only heightened with tracks such as “Did You Ever Realize That Grass is Alive?,” “The Speckled Potato Face,” and “I See the Ghost of Benjamin Franklin, Or is That Lenin? Oh Man, I’m Freaking Out.” This track is sure to please Monkeys fans and habitual hallucinogenic users alike.

Obligatory Positive Review That Fawns the Album with Unnecessary Praise

“I can hear…colors.”

~Jack Nicholson, 1970

1. Johnny Cash swearing at a mexican busboy at Chili’s for 45 minutes. – Johnny Cash

A must have for any Johnny Cash fan, this long lost recording was made on August 15th, 1976, and features the man in black inebriated, angry, and overtly racist. Notable tracks include, “Do You Know Who I Fucking Am? I’m Johnny Fucking Cash,” “I Ordered This Steak Rare, You Lazy Puerto Rican,” and, “What Do You Mean I’ve Been Overserved? I’m Johnny Fucking Cash, I Could Pop You Like a Fucking Pill and Write a Hit Song About It.” This CD was recently voted the manliest audio recording you could possibly own.

Obligatory Positive Review That Fawns the Album with Unnecessary Praise

“Um…It was useful to research my role in ‘Walk the Line’ I guess…”

~ Joaquin Phoenix

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About Jeff GoodSmith

I write on occasion. Sometimes it ends up here.
This entry was posted in Jaded Hipster, Meet Sarcastic List and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Top 10 (Fictional) Albums (That, Though You Feel Obligated To Say They’re Awesome, Would Actually Suck)

  1. ChrisReinhard says:

    That’s pretty good. Seriously pretty great.

  2. rafi says:

    Only Built 4 Cuban Linx 2.

  3. JK says:

    Haa, seriously Only Built 4 Cuban Linx 2 is something I’ll believe when I see. Dr.Dre’s “Relapse” is scheduled for 2023 I believe also.

  4. joshua caleb says:

    you forgot ‘cashing our checks’ by radiohead.

  5. Pingback: How To Tell A Movie Is Bad By Watching Its Trailer

  6. Pingback: The Bands That Told Me To Vote (And Why Their Message Isn’t Bipartisan)

  7. Latia Nawn says:

    Amy Tan~ You see what power is – holding someone elses fear in your hand and showing it to them

  8. i would have to make more christmas cards becuase next month is december already-

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