The Rise, and Fall (and Fall and Fall…and Fall) of Weezer, As Chronicled By A Hipster.

So, apparently there’s this band I’ve just heard of, called Weezer? I don’t know, they made this pretty cool music video. Right? It’s fun. That mustache is weird, but whatever. Fun times. Wait, what? This band has been around since 1994? The fuck? Well, let’s look into how those hipster kids would view this poppy band.

1994 – The Blue Album

Immediate Hipster Reaction

“Not only have I not heard of this band, but though they claim on their first track that their name is Jonas, they totally pulled a fast one on me. This guy’s name is RIVERS.That’s a name I hear rarely. I’m totally putting this on my 1994 equivalent of a blog (to younger readers, that would be ‘My Asian Indie girlfriend/quirky platonic friend’). Also, they mention Buddy Holly, who is totally cool because I know he’s indirectly mentioned all throughout this song, I don’t know if you’ve heard of it… American Pie? That’s right, it’s not a movie yet. God, I need to look at a mirror and record the shit I’m saying… I’m brilliant.”

~Jo(h)nathonFranqouis (The ‘H’ was added Junior Year in High School to REBEL AGAINST MY PARENTS..and I’m totally not gay, but if I were like, a little bi, I might do this dude)

Slightly Less Pretentious Real-Life Review

“What makes the band so enjoyable is their charming geekiness; instead of singing about despair, they sing about love, which is kind of refreshing in the gloom-drenched world of ’90s guitar-pop.”

~AllMusic

1996 – Pinkerton

Immediate Hipster Reaction

“I mean, sure, the Blue Album was fun, but this is different. It’s dark and edgy, and even though I don’t know what those words mean in a musical context, but like, the editor-in-chief of this new online magazine pitchforkmedia.com gave it a 7.5, and said it was pretty good after a few listens, so I’ll take his word for it. It’s different, but I like different…um, only if it’s against the norm. And this one review told me it was, so I sorta like it. Go Weezer! They’re pioneers!”

~Pitchfork Bitch

Slightly Less Pretentious Real-Life Review

Pinkerton‘s great. It’s super-deep, brave, and authentic. Listening to it, I can tell that I was really going for it when I wrote and recorded a lot of those songs.”

~ Rivers Cuomo (no, seriously, he said that)



2001 – The Green Album

Immediate Hipster Reaction

“Man, five years has passed since their last album, and that’s just enough time for me to get tired with this whole ‘90’s sound bullshit. Also, this album is so commercial. Talking about hash pipes? I can go into that druggie frat I thought about joining but then decided against it because it was so conformist and bullshit if I want to hear that kind of shit. SELL OUT! SELL OUT! God, people will do anything for a fucking dollar. Wait, what? How do the songs sound? How should I know, I didn’t listen to the damn album…”

~Hipster “I have a blog now”, Aged 14-21

Slightly Less Pretentious Real-Life Review

“No! Weezer! NO!! Where has Rivers Cuomo gone? What has he done? What has happened to Weezer?! WHERE ARE THE REAL WEEZER?!!”

~Spencer Owen, pitchforkmedia.com

2002 – Maladroit

Immediate Hipster Reaction

“No, seriously, can you believe how much the Green album sold out?  Gawd!”

~That Same Fucking Kid

Slightly Less Pretentious Real-Life Review

“Unfortunately, Cuomo hasn’t come up with enough quality material to match his god-of-thunder conceit.”

~Entertainment Weekly

2005- Make Believe

Immediate Hipster Reaction

“…I will kill you someday…”

~Everyone who really appreciated Weezer in 1994

Slightly Less Pretentious Real-Life Review

“Tickle me, Emo”

~New York Magazine

(a.k.a. Mustaches and cowboy hats yeee-hawww)

2008 – Red Album

“Hey I like this video for ‘Pork and Beans’… Wait… I’m not… supposed to like… Weezer… anymore… Hipster circuits…failings…g’error… Oh, wait… I just listened to the rest of that.Stop being creepy as fuck, Rivers Cuomo.”

~Some dude on Amazon.com

Slightly Less Pretentious Real-Life Review

“Weezer had its creative peak with Pinkerton, which in my opinion is a superb album. For such a talented group, it disappoints me to hear such a lack of creativity in this Red Album. I guess Rivers grew up.”

~Some dude on Amazon.com

Over-the-top Metaphor for Weezer

“Oh wow, this is going great and OH NO IT IS THE LARGEST PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF A METAPHOR I HAVE EVER SEEN”

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About Jeff GoodSmith

I write on occasion. Sometimes it ends up here.
This entry was posted in Jeff Is Weird and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The Rise, and Fall (and Fall and Fall…and Fall) of Weezer, As Chronicled By A Hipster.

  1. JK says:

    Haa, shit made me laugh. And I love the extra fall’s in the title

  2. Pingback: You’re Awesome, Fuck You: 5 Artists Who Decided to Suck After Breakthrough Albums

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