Everyone and their indie-music-appreciating mothers have been waxing poetic about the Chicago Lollapalooza festival.
“Oh wow, Radiohead,” says the sketchy IT guy with an odd body odor mix of buffalo wings and potato skins.
“Kanye!? GOLD DIGGER! LOL!” says that “I swear I’m 18 years old” girl you met on the Miley Cyrus chat room.
“Girl Talk? You mean that weird board game for teenage girls?” says the aforementioned chat friend’s angry mother when she revokes her 14 year old daughter’s chat privileges.
“Why don’t you take a seat over here,” says Chris Hansen of ‘To Catch a Predator’.
But that’s boring, that’s old hat. Let’s talk about the bands that had no reason playing this weekend.
And be thankful. I’m blogging in lieu of my one allotted phone call.
Louis XIV- Friday – City Stage
“You know what’s awesome? 70’s rock. You know what else is awesome? SEX. NO, seriously, have you tried this? It’s like… sex, you know? Woooo!
What? You wanted a song? I thought I just sang one…”
Blues Traveler – Myspace Stage – Sunday
“So what if our biggest hits are older then the majority of the users on the site sponsoring this stage? We use harmonicas. That’s so eccentric, no one plays more crazier instruments then us now! Not in the 2000s! Please, please, please, I don’t want this check to bounce… we’re so close to collecting social security, and we’ve got a nasty coke addition to fund.”
Nine Inch Nails – Bud Light Stage – Sunday
“Who says the 90’s are irrelevant? Right? We’re hardcore. We say shit like ‘fuck’ and, uh, ‘shit’ in our songs. And we made Industrial music MAINSTREAM BITCHES. Yeah, we say ‘bitches’ too. So, of course, we’re gonna be on the stage named after the hardest product that can sponsor a stage…wait…Bud Light? Shit, you’re telling me there’s no Mike’s Hard Lemonade stage!?”
THE ENTIRE ‘KIDZ STAGE’
“Yeah, let’s spend all weekend at a festival. A music festival. Where beer is five bucks a pop, and people STILL drink enough of it to get drunk. VERY drunk. Oh, and they’ll all be doing drugs, and there’ll be scores of women wearing nothing but sports bras and guys wearing no shirts, and sure, it costs $200 bucks a fucking ticket… But our 8 year old Tommy really likes the band “The Terrible Twos” (And Jeff Tweedy of Wilco is on after them! He had a painkiller addiction, that’s something Tommy can relate to!)
To be perfectly honest, that’s about it. It’s tough to point out the really shitty band selections for the festival. That being said, how can I be a sarcastic Indie snob without trying to ruin a perfectly good thing?