Date Rape Now Has A Soundtrack (Hint: It’s A White Frat Dude Rapping)

I’m gonna rape your ears.  You can interpret that any way you want

“I’m gonna rape your ears. You can interpret that any way you want.”

Self-proclaimed “Suburban Rapper” Asher Roth (Yes, his name is Asher. Asher) recently piqued the interest of hipsters internet wide with his new single, which samples Weezer’s “Say It Ain’t So” from the band’s, um, better days.

You can hear it streaming on stereogum, here. I actually want you to start listening to it before you read on.

Go ahead, I can wait.

Right? RIGHT? What the fuck, America?

Let’s just do a more refined reading into some of the more profound lyrics.

“That party last night was awfully crazy/ I wish we taped it/ I danced my ass off/ And had this one girl completely naked”

Well, okay, bro? BRO? Remember that one party? It was awfully crazy. I think it only suffered from the fact that it was not videotaped for some reason I can’t really think of, because I’m sort of wasted. But like, I remember, I danced my ass off, which is a metaphor, because my ass is still ON me, but my moves were so good, I totally was able to get laid because of it. Wait, you didn’t get that? No, I got this girl naked, and not just naked, COMPLETELY naked, because we were DOING IT! I know, profound.

“I want to go to college for the rest of my life/ Sit banker’s club/ And Drink Miller Lite.”

In a recent survey of inebriated 18-22 year old males in America, 95% of them, when asked “what do you want to do with the rest of your life?”, responded “STAY IN COLLEGE! WOOO!” Also, in college, you only drink shitty light beer. It’s science, people. And it’s deep.

“I love women/ I love college”

…Sorry, I just had to wipe a tear from my eye. I thought I was the only one who enjoyed women and college… It’s so great to know I’m not alone.

“When it comes to condoms, put two on”

Wait, what the fuck Asher? I’m pretty sure in health class they told me that doesn’t make them more effective, and actually increases the chance of them ripping… You just wanted to rhyme with the other 3 proceeding lines you had that ended with ‘On’ didn’t you?

“Chug Chug Chug Chug Freshmen Freshmen”

You tell em, Asher. Make those fucking freshmen chug. Then, once you elephent walk, you’ll totally make Sig Ep.

But this all got me thinking… Apparently there’s a market for rich, white, suburban frat boys to make rap songs about their party experiences? Well, then, logically, I must become the new, better Asher Roth. I don’t have the flow worked out yet, but below are the lyrics to my new, soon-to-be-chart-topping rap song.

“I’m Totally Doing This Chick Right Now, And I Am So Wasted”

uh. yeah. uh. yeah.

I was at the party, and this chick, she was fucking wasted

So I got her a drink, and since the booze was sweet, she could hardly taste it.

She said she was a freshman, I said oh man, I is gonna tap this.

And she leaned over and giggled and whispered, and I was like “What?”

And she said it again, and a bit too loud, “Just don’t put it in my butt”

(chorus)

And oh man, I’m totally doing this chick right now

And I’m so wasted

I think I’ve had like 10 shots

Or, well, maybe not

But like I said, I’m fucking wasted

Oh, and Also, I don’t think I mentioned this

But I’m totally having sex with this Freshman chick

(chorus end)

So, we just finished doing it

And I’m trying to get her to get a move on it

‘Cause she’s just a Freshman here

And I’m the frat’s social chair

And there are hotter chicks for me to fuck with

But first I’ll take another shot

And then smoke some pot

‘Cause college is the bomb

And if you think different

I’m not gonna argue it

I’ll just diss on your mom.

(chorus)

And oh man, I’m totally doing this chick right now

And I’m so wasted

I think I’ve had like 10 shots

Or, well, maybe not

But like I said, I’m fucking wasted

Oh, and Also, I don’t think I mentioned this

But I’m totally having sex with this Freshman chick

(end)

So, now I just gotta post my demo on myspace, and play the waiting game. Remember, I like my millions to be given to me in small bills, 20s and 10s, only please. Oh, also like, at least a million of it has to be in singles, so I can go to strip clubs. You know, for my image.

Peace

Advertisements

About Jeff GoodSmith

I write on occasion. Sometimes it ends up here.
This entry was posted in Jeff Is Weird and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Date Rape Now Has A Soundtrack (Hint: It’s A White Frat Dude Rapping)

  1. Jen says:

    Jeff’s gon make it RAIN. Or, more likely, will cry himself to sleep tonight. One of the two.

  2. blueprint says:

    on the plus side, at least he isn’t rapping about bling, cocaine, or guns. i’ll give him credit for rapping about what he knows, lame as it may be.

  3. JK says:

    I actually like the song. Even though he sounds a little like Eminem. Needs to get some bass in his voice.

  4. Jeff says:

    haha, I stand by my thorough hatred of the song. I wanted to hear the merits of a Keg Stand rapped to me, or hear about the scientific breakthroughs of roofie technology, I’d just go to a shitty frat party.

  5. Pingback: How To Tell A Movie Is Bad By Watching Its Trailer

  6. Pingback: The Bands That Told Me To Vote (And Why Their Message Isn’t Bipartisan)

  7. Pingback: Top 10 Albums of 2008

  8. Pingback: Interview: Peter Adams

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s