Five Rock Songs That Should NOT Be Turned Into A Children’s Book

According to pitchforkmedia, Slint’s classic, haunting indie rock epic is being turned into…a children’s book. Pitchfork pretty much stole the lines I would point out to make fun of this selection, but I do feel the need to reiterate that any song that has guitars harsh enough to gouge your eyes (in the good way) as they scream “I MISS YOU”, makes, well… interesting material for the youngins out there. You can download it, for free, in pdf format here to see for yourself.

But, despite the odd influences, it manages to be a decent, though somewhat disturbing, nighttime story.  At times far more disturbing then others…

The following based-on-song children stories I’ve been shopping around, however, probably don’t succeed quite as much. I think my failing is that I had to go and ruin a good thing by stealing the plots from previous major motion pictures.

Hit Me Baby One More Time

Inspiration: Britney Spears – Hit Me Baby One More Time (also, the film Million Dollar Baby)

This adorable tale of a little baby with a lot of fight takes its cues from the lyrics of the classic pop song, but loosely follows the plot of the Oscar winning film (only instead of getting a broken neck, the protagonist gets an owie that needs a wowypop).

Replace THIS with  this.  Yay!

As our little adorable baby boxer gets into the ring for the first time, snuggles, her trainer, gives her this sage advice taken from the Spears’ song.

“Oh pretty baby, there’s nothin’ that I wouldn’t do
That’s not the way I planned it

Show me how you want it to be
Tell me baby cuz I need to know now, oh.”

And the baby promptly tells snuggles “I want it to be filled with sunshine and happy!” And it is.

*evil giggle*                              *scream of rage*

Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?

Song Inspiration: The Beatles- Why Don’t We Do It In The Road? (also, the film The Fast and the Furious)

In this adorable little story, based off the Beatles song and the popular(ish) action film, we follow Jimmy Sunshine, a tiny little tike who has big dreams to be the best darn racer in Lil Gumdrops Land. When Big Boy Meanie Booboo challenges lil Jimmy to a race, instead of quivering with fear (oh no!) he stands defiant (yay!) and says

“Why don’t we do it in the road
No one will be watching us”

Hornets! Hornets!

Song Inspiration: The Hold Steady- Hornets! Hornets! (also, the film Red Eye)

This whimsical story is about Holly, the honest hornet, and her crazy trip onto an airplane, and is very loosely based off the Hold Steady garage rock tune, and the 2005 airplane thriller. Poor Holly gets caught on an airplane, and having nowhere to go she goes into the cabin and befriends a young man. At first, he is scared, thinking Holly will sting him. But she doesn’t, and befriends him. But she warns him that she will have to stay on the plane, and cannot stay with him, as she sadly says

best friends forever!

“There’s gonna be a time

When I’m gonna have to go

With whoever’s gonna get me the highest.”

Gibberish Is Fun!

Song Inspiration: Beck- Loser (also, every foreign Spanish film without subtitles)

Sometimes, its fun for children to hear weird noises, and large strings of incoherence. So, to let your restless tot rest their tiny little brains, we give you a song that’s as carefree and nonsensical as they are with lines such as

“Don’t believe everything that you breathe

You get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve
So shave your face with some mace in the dark
Savin’ all your food stamps and burnin’ down the trailer park

(Yo. Cut it.)

Soy un perdedor”
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

warning, if your child is prone to violence, and/or responds with blind obedience to any command they are given, do not, I repeat, do not have them read this book.

Gimme Shelter

Song Inspiration- The Rolling Stones- Gimme Shelter (also, the film American Psycho)

well, we can take a look at the last line of the book, which quotes its source material, and go with the description from there.

“Rape, murder!
It’s just a shot away

It’s just a shot away”

Um… fuck, don’t let your kids read this, okay?

please Mr. Bale, I don’t like it when you method act!

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About Jeff GoodSmith

I write on occasion. Sometimes it ends up here.
This entry was posted in Jaded Hipster, Meet Sarcastic List and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Five Rock Songs That Should NOT Be Turned Into A Children’s Book

  1. JK says:

    I’m making a book adaptation of N.W.A.’s “Fuck The Police”. Should be good for the kids.

  2. Tricia says:

    Wu Tang is for the kids.

  3. joshuacaleb says:

    how ’bout just all of slint’s other songs?

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