The Seven Deadly Sins (of Being Nickelback)

Some bands are easy to hate.  Some bands are easy to make fun of.  Some bands are so terrible that hating then and making fun of them is almost too easy, almost like beating up a mentally challenged child.

But sometimes that mentally challenged child spits on your shoes, and needs his ass kicked.  That mentally challenged child, in today’s lesson on hatred, is Nickelback.

As you all are no doubt aware, Nickelback hails from fair Canada, where they list themselves (on Wikipedia at least) as post-grunge, a genre distinction that was disturbing enough to cause the corpse of Kurt Cobain to reanimate, shoot up a suspicious level of heroin while near Courtney Love, and shoot himself all over again.

Also all their songs sound fucking. Exactly. The. Same.

Granted, to say that actually being Nickelback would qualify as a sin might be a little out of line.  It’s not like they eat babies, or that their music is the beginning of some sort of pied piper march to make the youth of America into mindless “I Wanna Be a Rockstar” liking zombies, right?

…Right?

Hmmm…

So, before Chad Kroeger and company can finish their fiendish plans to cause the Rockapalypse (see what I did there?), I shall put on my hipster pope hat (it looks like a regular pope hat, but there’s some Touch and Go Records and Decemberists pins on it, and I wrote “the pope” on it with masking tape) and discuss the 7 deadly sins.

Of being Nickelback.

Deadly Sin:Lust

“I’d like this award better if it was genitalia!Heoww!”

“You’re beside me on the seat
Got your hand between my knees
And you control how fast we go by just how hard you wanna squeeze
It’s hard to steer when you’re breathing in my ear
But I got both hands on the wheel while you got both hands on my gears
By now, no doubt that we were heading south
I guess nobody ever taught her not to speak with a full mouth
‘Cause this was it, like flicking on a switch
It felt so good I almost drove into the ditch”

~Nickelback, “Animal”

While most bands write about sexuality, and some even blatantly talk about sex, it’s fair to say that there are few bands that decide to write about road head.  And while that might actually be pretty badass if, say, a real band wrote it, we have to settle for painfully obvious lyrics from a Canadian who wishes he was a hick.

“So I’ve got the greasy douche bag look, what do I need to do next to look more like a hick?  Do…I won’t have to make out with my cousin again, will I?”

This song is so obvious that it makes songs by The Bloodhound Gang seem like subtle love ballads.

Lust is technically a deadly sin, but it’s the one we’re quickest to forgive after a few jack and cokes and a casual invitation to a party in our pants.  But in Nickelback, it is unforgiveable for two equally important reasons.

  1. They are terrible musicians
  2. If they are lustful, they could possibly spawn, creating future generations of Nickelbacks, which will grow to maturity, purchase semi-trucks and shotguns, and very possibly could write new Nickelback songs.

This must be stopped.

Oh, also Chad Kroeger used to suck his own dick as a party trick.

Deadly Sin: Greed

“More money, more records, more world anguish! More! More! MORE!”

“’Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We’ll all stay skinny ’cause we just won’t eat”

~Lucife…um…I mean, Nickelback, “Tool Rockstar”

Again, most popular bands are by some definition guilty of the sin of Greed.  Do The Rolling Stones really need your money so much that they’re going to charge baby boomers $120 a ticket to see them play a concert from the nosebleeds of a football field?  No, but that Cessna isn’t going to buy itself, not with gas prices where they are.

Nickelback’s great sin is not that they’re trying to make money, it’s that, in doing so, they make songs.  Their breakthrough album sold, well, far too many copies, and in their delirious greedy minds, they wanted to stay Rock and Roll stars (I heard that people in popular bands have sex with lots of women.  I know, right?).

But what Nickelback failed to realize is that, in the quest of fame and fortune, they’re hurting people with their music.  In a entirely non-credible and most-likely-fabricated-by-me study, self-inflicted deafenings have gone up 90,000% since the 2001 release of Nickelback’s Silver Side Up.  So not only are they greedy, they’re bastards too.  It’s science, you don’t even have to bother looking it up.  It’s all very technical and boring.  No seriously, don’t try googling it.

Deadly Sin:Sloth

Nickelback, circa 1995.  “Meowww”

“In ten minutes I’ll be laying out flat on the floor

8 minutes from losing it a little bit
5 minutes your description might be starting to fit
3 to go and I’m forgetting all that I’ve ever known
I won’t be standing up for long I better learn how to crawl”

~Nickelback, “Flat on the Floor”

Just look at these lazy fuckers.

“Ugh, it’s just so much effort to be something other than black-and-white floating heads”

God, I’m so tired from pointing at landmine shirts, I gotta sit down”

“I’m so glad I didn’t shower for the past ever”

Go to hell, Nickelback…oh right, you already are going there.  After all…

Deadly Sin:Wrath

HEOWWWWW

“Uncle Sam taught him to shoot
Maybe a little too well
Finger on the trigger, loaded bullet
He hit the stage so full of rage
And let the whole world know it”

~Nickelback, “Side of a Bullet”

What’s worse then a pampered Rock Star from Canada pretending to be like a Southern Cowboy? That same pampered Rock Star trying to say that he’s “hardcore” and likes getting trashed and starting fights. But that’s not the only reason why they exhibit the deadly sin of wrath.

The other reason? Well, they just inspire such hatred from everyone else. It takes a tool to write songs like “Side of a Bullet,” it takes a douchebag to make everyone who listens to them commit a deadly sin.Fuck you, Nickelback.

Deadly Sin:Gluttony

“First I will eat this snake, then I will eat this semi-nude woman, and then?THE WORLD!”

And I’ve been wrong, I’ve been down,
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream ‘Are we having fun yet?’”

Nickelback, “How You Remind Me”

Granted, this one might be a bit of a stretch, since they’ve famously documented how they’ll “all stay skinny ‘cause” they “just won’t eat”, but I think we gotta delve into a different kind of gluttony here.  Booze.

Not to say that drinking in excess is a sin, in fact, in a survey of 10 doctors (where I listed myself as a doctor and surveyed myself), 1 out of 10 doctors say that heavy drinking leaves you healthier and with fewer regrets then the sober alternative.

But you don’t see me writing songs with alcohol everywhere in the lyrics.  The only people who should mention liquor in songs should be alcoholic singer-songwriters, and the song should be called “The lion in the forest” where the lion is a metaphor for a bottle of scotch and the forest is a metaphor for the singer’s stomach or something.

Nickelback just talks about how they drink in various details. They drink to get into fights, they drink and wallow in their own self-pity, and they probably drink Budweiser ‘cause that’s the swill that Americans drink, right?

But it’s all just so clichéd. Instead of having whatever emotional impact the band assumed overindulgence of alcohol might create, they just end up sounding like that freshman at a kegger who “is, like, totally fucking wasted, WOOO!” after their first beer. And that’s sad. But not as sad as…

Deadly Sin:Envy

“…And people like Jesus, right?  So…Please like me?”

“Because somewhere
the one I wanna be with’s
with somebody else
Oh god, I wanna be that
someone that you’re with
I wanna be that someone
that you’re with
And I can talk about it all day long
’til I run out of breath
But I still wanna be that
someone that you’re with”

Nickelback, “Someone You’re With”

Nickelback writes songs that are bland and sound the same, but at the same time, they’re kinda pussies. On one hand, they try to write the odd song about being fellated in a car or getting drunk and throwing a glass at underaged kid’s face, while on the other hand, they write the whiniest songs you’ve ever heard.

Here is the gist of about 70% of all Nickelback songs.

“I really like you, girl-who-is-involved-in-my-life-somehow”

“But we are not together romantically, and if we are, I’m not putting enough into it”

“In fact, either my inability to be in a relationship with you, or the fact that you are seeing someone else, causes me great chagrin”

“I want to be there for you, and will change to make that happen”

“I have a vagina”

Okay, maybe not that last one, but you get what I’m saying.  Lonely, envious rock stars are just about the most annoying thing you can run into, especially if that band just happens to be Nickelback.  But the envy wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the fact that the sin that Nickelback is most guilty of is…

Deadly Sin:Pride

Heyyyy, I’m awesome, right?Right?”

I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free
(I’ll have the quesadilla, on the house)
I’m gonna dress my ass
With the latest fashion
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion
Gonna date a centerfold that loves to
Blow my money for me”

Nickelback, “Rockstar” (again)

Ultimately, Nickelback is a lot like that asshole in a bar who’s loudly bragging about how much he can bench press, and then goes to talk to a woman he’s never met before and tries to come off as “sensitive” by talking about how he writes poetry.So despite all the “feel sorry for me” sentiments they try to emphasize, they really are just, in the end, arrogant pricks.

“You wanna fight?‘Cause I totally am the strongest guy in this bar.I also am famous and shit.Yeah, that’s right, you’re impressed”

When it boils down to it, you can describe Nickelback’s evils in broad, sweeping, biblical ways all you want, but really…they just suck.

Hard

About Jeff GoodSmith

I write on occasion. Sometimes it ends up here.
This entry was posted in Jaded Hipster, Meet Sarcastic List and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to The Seven Deadly Sins (of Being Nickelback)

  1. joshuacaleb says:

    I want your pope hat. badly. though I might remove the decemberists pin in the process of taking it.

  2. Sarai says:

    I’ve only heard probably two or three of Nickelbacks songs and thought they were OK. I use to love Far Away actually. Then again, i did not pay attention to their songs as you did.

    I think I am going to YouTube the song Animal just to check it out. ha

    GREAT Post 😉

  3. This is funny, and kind of makes me wish I was dead.

  4. Jason says:

    Actually, Bernie Taupin wrote Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting. Elton John composed the music and recorded it (releasing it on 1973), and then a bunch of other bands covered it –eventually one of them being Nickelback, back in 2003.

    I don’t think neither Elton John nor Bernie Taupin are tools… but I still hate Nickelback.

    =)

  5. Jeff says:

    haha, shit Jason, I meant to edit that- I had caught that after posting it, and changed the first lyrics, but I guess I left that in there. That’s what happens when you write an article while at work, haha

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  7. lauren says:

    wat a load of shite yuuh jst said bout one of the greatest rock bands. They’ve sold over 26 million records world wide, lets c u do tht. at the end of the day, they r famous, they r popular, they have the job everybody wants, they’ve sold OVER 26 MILLION RECORDS WORLD WIDE, and yuuh still think they are shit yeah? F**k yuuh!

  8. Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes. Lauren, that is the best comment I have ever read. Ever. The spelling. The confused anger. The irrational fear that, in an article full of swear words, you will get censored for saying “shit” and “fuck” so you edit it. The phonetic charm of saying “you” as “yuuh”. The love. The love of Nickelback. This comment, it makes my life complete.

    Lauren, I’m saying you have made my life complete. Lauren. You complete me.
    .-= Jeff GoodSmith´s last blog ..Asher Roth wants to put his babies inside of you.Don’t… =-.

  9. Cheech says:

    Nickelback is the best rock band since ?????? I call your hatred….Jealousy. Stop being haters and let other people do their thing. Nickelback has sold millions of albums and you havent.

  10. Is there some secret club of Nickelback fans in denial about liking a shitty band that troves the internet to make the point that “nickelback has sold millions of albums and you haven’t”? And if so, how do you have any free time if you’re trying to defend Nickelback’s honor (haaa) on the thousands of sites and blogs that hate Nickelback?
    .-= Jeff GoodSmith´s last blog ..Oh sweet Jesus, this is the funniest thing I have seen in a long… =-.

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  12. Jeff says:

    Wow, I see some of the same traits in you through your words, that you accuse Nickelback of. Might be a good time to grow up chief.

  13. Jeff, glad you stumbled across an article that was 2 and a half years old and decided to weigh in on your opinion of the band that many view to be the worst band currently making music. I think you’re going to have to give up the name “Jeff” chief. You’re making poor use of it.

  14. Lauren says:

    Oh man, this might just have made my life. The best part of living a whole continent away from these assholes is that my eardrums have remained intact for the best part of a century. I don’t care if it was written in 2008, it’s still relevant! If I wanted to hear lyrics like ‘how did our eyes get so red, and what the hell is on joey’s head?’ i’d go down to my local bar and ask the most underaged looking drinker to write me a love poem.

  15. Jess says:

    I beg to differ. I quite like this band, yes I agree with the sex shit they put in there songs but not ALL of them are like that. Some of the songs do actually have a good meaning, If you’re going to take the piss out of anyone to it to Rebecca Black or Justin Beiber, they’re alot worse.

  16. amber says:

    first off, side of a bullet was written for the late and great dimebag darrell. its about killing the bastard that shot him. secondly, their ballads actually mean something, they arnt just whiny. why is it when nickelback puts out a ballad everyone call it whiny but a band they like puts out a ballad similar, its not whiny. many musicians use their song writing as a way to focus their feeling so who cares if they write a song about a woman they like but cant have. that happens a lot but because u dont like nickelback, its whiny. grow up. also, a previous comment was made about nickelback fans spending time going around defending their band. i dont do that, i did however come accross this bullshit article while researching their new album. everyone is upset that the more and more they hate nickelback, the more and more popular they get. not many other bands have sold as many albums as they have. so they have their flukes, so do all of u haters so get over urselves, u ARNT perfect. nobody is. i like them because they are real. they can actually play an intsrument unlike the rapper who think they are musicians but need machines to make fake sounds. no, they may not solo like in metallica’s one or rush’s neil pert but they can still play and make it sound good. they also write songs about real things. i was falling for a guy i couldnt have, if i wrote a song would i just be a whiny bitch thats full of herself? no i wouldnt be. if someone murdered a good friend of mine and i wrote a song about it to channel my anger and hurt would i just be a douchebag, no. so nickelback isnt as bad as you guys think, yes they are my favorite band but i will admit they are no pantera or metallica. one last thing, they dont think they are southern cowboys, their music has been said to have a southern “twang” to it. thats not on purpose since they are not from the south. im am so sick of everyone judging everyone else just because they have been able to do something with their lives. justin beiber to me is an annoying prick whos career isnt going to last long but im not out their bitching about him being famous while at my job. i work hard for what i have just as they do, that is all celebrities. they dont have the easiest life like most people think. and they should have some pride in what they have done. nickelback gives back and helps the world. they have built schools and water wells in africa to help those poor people who dont even have drinking water. what have you done to help they world? not many people in america give a hoot because most american are ignorant and dont care what is happening in other parts of the world unless its sports. thank god the canadians are gonna do something about just one of the many problems this world has, and im saying this as an american. im proud to be american, but we have issues that need to be addressed. im glad someone is at least trying to make a difference in the world using the millions they earn from selling great music.

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  18. There is so much going on in your comment, Amber. I’ve been staring at it for weeks, and when I unfocus my eyes, it looks like a three dimentional spaceship. Did you know that the only capital letters in the whole 300 word rave is in the misspelled word “ARNT”? Or that there are no commas, no apostrophies, but you at least put “twang” in quotation marks. One time, I read it outloud really fast, and a portal started opening. I didn’t get sucked in, thank God, but I don’t have a dog anymore, and I am a little upset about that.

    What I’m trying to say, sweet, irate Amber, is that, if I’m not being too forward, I believe I’d like to court you. Let me preface this by saying we can’t go to Nickelback concerts on our first date, and of course I’d be partial to a church wedding, but it’s not a deal breaker if you’d rather elope. What do you say, Amber? I have my old letterman jacket from High School that I could loan you, and if you wanted, I’d even make it facebook official.

  19. Orangudani says:

    I want to court YOU Mr.GoodSmith…even though your heart belongs to Amber…or lowercase lauren…I don’t know anymore. You throw your love around like Nickelback’s rapturous raspy refrains. I think I can turn you around on the whole Amber thing at least though, because you see, I think the 3D spaceship blinded you to at least 17 or 18 commas. I don’t think your infatuation would burn so bright unless there was an utterly comma-less, portal-forming rant.

    But hey, they’re FAMOUS. They probably even got trapped in a well once. It’s more than YOU DID.

    Either way, thank you for a marvelous mockery of my most hated band – most pap producing hateful band. I never thought I could be capable of murderous rage, but nobody makes me feel quite so homicidal. But also curse you. Curse you for making me see that 6 of the comments here are defending the band…and one is some kind of spambot, who surely listens to the band also but has no idea how to say so.

    You may commence the wooing stage now.

  20. Julie says:

    When you will be able to play music, compose songs, sing as they do, and be recognized for that, then OK, you can talk, but you are just an ass… able to sit behind your computer to write shit about others.
    VA TE FAIRE FOUTRE

  21. Horayn says:

    Such an asshole you are….

  22. Sorry Orangudani, and Amber, I think Julie has stolen my heart with her French curse words and her oddly babblefish-sounding use of English grammar. Yes, that might make me a fickle heart-breaker, and for that I do feel some guilt. But not for the Nickelback stuff, they’re pretty fucking awful, I’m pretty sure that’s on point with that whole thing.

    But Julie, before we consummate what is sure to be a beautiful relationship full of multilingual cursing, I have to ask- are you actually French? Because if that’s true, it would explain your terrible taste of music, as well as your horrendously awful grammar (…though, questioning the grammar of a Nickelback fan is like questioning the meth addiction of a Nickelback fan). And if you ARE French? Ugh, dealbreaker, get out of my bed, I don’t even want to LOOK at you. You lied to me, Julie! YOU LIED TO ME!

  23. Chris says:

    Evreybody has the right to there own opinions i would like to ask you what music you listen to.

  24. Antoni says:

    ?????? ?????? ?????, ???????? ???, ?????? ?????:)

  25. Antoni says:

    Grup super. I love Nickelback!

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