You’re Awesome, Fuck You: 5 Artists Who Decided to Suck After Breakthrough Albums

The music industry is a fickle beast.  One minute, you can be the greatest thing to happen to rock and roll, and then one sub-par album later, you’re not even worth the Gucci shades on your stupid ugly face, Julian Casablancas.  Prick.

Get a haircut, hippie!

This rapid turnaround doesn’t happen in many other areas of entertainment.  Michael Jordon wasn’t exactly the MJ of the 90s when he came back with the Washington Wizards, but we still remember him as the championship winning, not-having-a-crippling-gambling-problem American hero he is.  Mel Gibson called a cop sugar-tits, and berated the most powerful religious group in Hollywood (Jews, not Scientologists) and still managed to direct a movie in some dead fake boogidy-boo language that spent a weekend as the number one film in the country.  But as soon as Rivers Cuomo grows a mustache, we’re ready to set the summa bitch on fire.

“Hey kids, I got some candy…SEX candy…”

Below are a list of five artists who were once great.  Until they released a big stinking pile of shit into our CD players.  Those untalented assholes.

Wilco

You’re Awesome!

Oh Wilco, where to begin?  Starting from the humble roots of the actually-just-okay Alt-Rock album, A.M., they went on to make a daring and bold double album in Being There.  They flashed a little bit of power-pop in Summerteeth, and then blew America’s collective mindhole with Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, an album of folk, rock, and sonic landscapes swirling together in a complex, raw album that is one of the very few albums to ever get a 10.0 rating on pitchforkmedia.com which sold over 500,000 copies, even though their record label dropped the band when they refused to change the album.

While their follow up album, A Ghost is Born, didn’t exactly set the world ablaze, it was serviceable and adventurous if nothing else.  By the time Sky Blue Sky came out, Wilco was popular and well-known enough that your middle aged boss who knows you like Indie would go to you at the beginning of the day and say, “Have you heard of these Wilco guys?  I think they’re local”.

Fuck You…

It’s not that Sky Blue Sky is inherently bad, per se.  It’s just…bland.  Imagine, for a second, that Wilco is yogurt.  They’re smooth, tasty, and teaming with bacteria (…I guess?).  All of Wilco’s past CDs were like exciting flavors.  Strawberry, Boysenberry, blueberry, all the kickass berries were represented.  Then, they decided to change up pace and make and album that was flavored…plain.  It’s safe, unassuming, and old people love it.  Exactly like Sky Blue Sky.

Above:  Rejected Album Cover for “Sky Blue Sky”

Even if you don’t listen to Wilco, you’ve heard this album.  That’s because, in a sadistic ploy to expose all of America to their worst album, just about all the songs from Sky Blue Sky were featured in a series of yuppy-centric Volkswagen Commercials.

Yawn

And while the album didn’t get universally panned by critics, it did leave much of their earlier fan base wondering what the hell happened.

Review That Sums Up Their Fall

“Thoroughly boring.”

~Dusted Magazine

Daft Punk

You’re Awesome!

We’re talking about two people from the lamest country out there (France) playing one of the most potentially cheesy genres of music (house) who wrote a song 7 years ago that’s still getting remix treatment from angry rappers wearing popped collared polos who make white-people friendly rap (Snoop Dogg)

“I think you mean Kanye West, asshole.”

Never since Kraftwerk had robots seemed so cool.  I mean, look at these fuckers.


Who says robots don’t know anything about fashion or fine cigars?  People who don’t know Daft Punk, that’s who.

I rest my case.

Fuck You…

After two kickass albums (Homework, Discovery), Daft Punk decided, after a 4 year hiatus, to rush their third studio album by writing and recording it over the course of six weeks.The album was disappointing in every conceivable way, and was heavily criticized for its repetitive, boring nature.  Proving that robots don’t have feelings, and also have shitty PR agents, the French Duo responded to the backlash to the album by saying solely that “we believe that Human After All speaks for itself.”

The sound of thousands of disappointed hipsters filled the air, and quick google searches can find tastefully written message board topics from that year with profound critiques such as “I think Daft Punk sucks balls” and “Daft Punk’s effort on Human After All munches horse schlong.” At parties, kids in skinny jeans and studded belts could be overheard saying, “I’m just so disappointed.” Daft Punk hurt a lot of souls in 2005.

Since that album’s release, they’ve had some pretty kickass concerts, which they used to release an equally kickass live album, but to this date they’ve not had a follow up studio album to get the taste of Human After All out of our mouths.  We might love them again, but they’re on thin ice, and we can’t forget that for two and a half years we all walked around saying “I remember when Daft Punk used to be cool…”

To be fair though…holy shit balls, that looks awesome

Review That Sums Up Their Fall

“Apparently knocked off in just six weeks, Daft Punk’s third album sounds like it took six days. Six short days. With long lunches.”

~The Guardian

Weezer

You’re Awesome!

Now, obviously this topic is pretty much common knowledge now, but Weezer used to be pretty awesome.  It was a while ago, and you were probably in high school when it happened, but do you remember The Blue Album?  Or have you heard Pinkerton?  Great Xenu’s left nut, Weezer was awesome.

 This Dude + (the left one) =Early Weezer

They were quintessentially 90’s in the way that they defined an era of a genre, and inspired dozens of cheap imitators.  They were power-pop’s version of Nirvana.  Only Rivers Cuomo is straight edge, and didn’t have that pesky heroin-suicide-thingy.

…well, he used to not do drugs…

Fuck you…

Also unlike Cuomo, Kurt Cobain got murdered by Courtney Love um…killed himself while his music was still well received and universally loved.  Cuomo, in his stubborn assistance to live a long, fulfilling life (lame) had to keep making music.  And in doing so, he said, sure, why not make shitty albums that are a hollow shell of what our music once was.  What could go wrong?

The answer is cowboy hats.Cowboy hats is what could go wrong.

We had to suffer through songs like Beverly Hills and On Drugs and…well, you know the story.No one really takes Weezer seriously anymore.Not even their singer, it seems.

It’s me, Rivers Cuomo.  I need your help.  I have to eat your children.  Just your first born.  Just…just do it, okay?  Don’t ask any questions.  Um…I mean, let’s write a song…

Review That Sums Up Their Fall

“Make Believe finds Cuomo donkey-punching the formaldehyde-soaked corpse of his former glory.”

~cokemachineglow

Badly Drawn Boy

You’re Awesome!

Badly Drawn Boy is just one boy, but don’t let the name fool you- he is quite well drawn.He has a beard and everything.

See?Beards are hard to draw.

Their (his) debut album, The Hour of the Bewilderbeast, was a beautiful and complex rock album that won Damon Gough (ie, the band) the year 2000’s Mercury Prize.The album was so brilliant that when Nick Hornby was looking to soundtrack the film adaptation for his novel About a Boy, Gough was asked to score the entire album himself.He accepted, and as a result we saw his second album, About a Boy, which, while not up to the caliber of Bewilderbeast, was a very serviceable album with some inspired songs.

With two well crafted albums under his belt, Gough was becoming one of the hottest indie acts in Britain.What could possibly go wrong?

Fuck you…

It seemed that the UK musical world was Gough’s proverbial oyster, and he was going to shuck it.  Until he came down with a pretty severe case of the “I suck”s.  A God awful case of it.

Let’s just compare 2000 era Badly Drawn Boy lyrics to 2006 era Badly Drawn Boy Lyrics.

2000- “Skimmed like a stone on the water/ Fall with no trace to lie permanently”

2006- “Wouldn’t it be something to live/ Your Life On Mars”

Hmm… well, maybe that’s just a fluke.Let’s try it again

2000- “Now you and I make up perfect things/ Watch me trade my wheels for wings/ But don’t ever use the wings to fly/ Just the essence of a lullaby”

2006- “Holy city zoo/ I recall the name of the place where I first saw you/ With your eyes so kind and your smile so bright/ I just wanted to take you home”

….Oh, fuck.Just…goddamnit.God-fucking-damnit.No, seriously, stop looking at me…

Sigh…

Review That Sums Up Their Fall

How in God’s name did Damon Gough fall so far?”

~Magnet

The Strokes

You’re Awesome!

It takes a certain degree of awesomeness to be crowned as the “Saviors of Rock and Roll” after your debut album.  Tracks from Is This It? Were called some of the “best pop songs ever.”  They single-handedly revived garage rock, wrote some catchy as shit songs, and made the word “The” cool again.

You can thank The Strokes for this meme, probably.

After taking powdered awesome, melting it on a spoon with a lighter, and mainlining it for a crazy high that wouldn’t fade, Julian Casablancas and company decided to keep being awesome with Room on Fire.  Their drummer got to bang Drew Barrymore, which is cool, I guess.  They also got to play four tracks from their second album on the Conan O’Brien show, which is definitely cool.  They also started to hang out inexplicably in the woods.

Trees are pretty

Fuck You…

After using the same producer for their first two albums, The Strokes decided to ask for the help of producer David Kahne.  This doesn’t sound like a big deal, until you realize that the previous albums Kahne had produced were by artists such as Sugar Ray.

shut the door, baby, don’t say a word…

The album, while not universally panned, received mixed reviews, and was their worst received album both critically and commercially.  Objectively, a handful of the songs are good, but it is an inherently uneven album with some legitimately awful songs poking your eardrums.  The album was bad enough that it was announced that the band would “take a break”, and plans on releasing their next album in 2009, after a three year hiatus.

That’s right, this album was such a disappointment, the band decided that they “needed their space” so they could go “see other people” and “*third relationship cliché not found*”.

We can only hope that Jason Casablancas was there to use his ridiculous name to comfort all the mourning Strokes groupies out there.

Hey you!  I’m bored from not making music.  Wanna have sex?

Review That Sums Up Their Fall

“While it might be easy to point to the industry guy behind the boards, the album speaks for itself, and the Strokes managed to write a flop all by themselves.”

~PopMatters

Advertisements

About Jeff GoodSmith

I write on occasion. Sometimes it ends up here.
This entry was posted in Jaded Hipster, Meet Sarcastic List and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to You’re Awesome, Fuck You: 5 Artists Who Decided to Suck After Breakthrough Albums

  1. Pingback: Top 6 Worst Lyrics By Good Bands

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s