Top 5 Randomly Googled Phrases That Are Actually Shitty Bands On Myspace

We all know Myspace.  Those of us who are in our 30’s-40’s and claim to “really luv Fallout Boy LOL, and your mom is totally a bitch for not letting you take out the car tonight” seem to REALLY know Myspace.  By the way, did you know that “Tom” is 33?

myspace_tom

“I want to be your friennndddddd”

Well, apart from making life a little more magical for sexual predators all over the world, it’s also been both one of the better and worst things to happen to the musical world since Thomas Edison.  Sure, hundreds of worthwhile bands are getting exposure they otherwise wouldn’t, our favorite bands are leaking new tracks to their profiles, and there’s even an entire record label spawned by this phenomenon.  But also, when you make it so anyone can post their demos online to a potentially captive audience, ANYONE will go about doing it.  What can we say about social networking site where Yanni only has a “fan created” profile posted?

yanni

“Even I think that having a Myspace page is a bad idea.  And you know what I didn’t think was a bad idea?  This mustache, and this hair cut.  Think about that for a while.”

So, what happens when you google random terms with the word “myspace” after them?  Well, you find some of the worst bands in existence, who also happen to have the worst band names in existence.

5.  I Hate My Dad


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Wait, What The Fuck?

I know, right?  Apart from sounding like their name belongs in a cliche’d therapist-centered drama (or comedy), the name doesn’t only come off as ridiculous, but their description doesn’t even try to pretend it’s ironic.  Oh wait, what description?  These guys are from “ah?, Mountains Romania”, and have no band description, or blog posts.  All we get is this picture, where one member seems to be attacking a mechanized egg beater with a tree trimmer.  While wearing a dress…

man_in_a_dress_at_doo_dah-large-msg-1132609909-2

Actually, I would totally listen to this man’s music

But, Um…Is It Any Good?

Well, it’s best not to judge a book by it’s cover.  I’ll start off by playing “coolaid,” their most popular song, with over 600 listens.  Sure, they don’t know how to properly spell the product, but that doesn’t mean they’re a lost cause right?

untitled

Seriously, dudes, google isn’t that hard

The song starts off irritatingly enough.  A combination of random guitar strummings, obnoxious vocals, and just…confusing lyrics make this song so bad, I can’t even get through it.  With lines like “Kool aid makes me WOO HOHO” (I think that’s the chorus), and a reference about how the lead singer drank kool aid and “went to the bathroom, and when I took a pee, it came out red, just like kool aid, wee wee wee!”

It goes on for over 4 minutes.  If a shitty band makes a song about a misspelled drink in a forest, does anyone hear it?

Yes.  Damn you myspace.

4. Barf Bag Boys


derjacked

Wait, What The Fuck?

Right?  Is that…yes, he’s shooting heroin into a shark’s mouth.  Let’s point a few things out.  Someone had to take time out of their life, to achieve this artist’s photoshop dream.  Of an inner-elbow born shark getting a mouth full of heroin.  A member of this band went to a photoshop savvy individual, and said,  “Dude.  Sharks.  Heroin.  Dude.”  And that photoshop savvy individual likely replied, “DUDE!”

Dude…

But, hey, I mean, I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on these guys.  Right?  They list themselves as a comedy band.  But they also say they’re “power puke” (What?  Why are you grimacing?  Is that like, an overly easy pun or something?)

But, we also get descriptive lines like “Were an all improv band of potheads pioneering the “wake n’ bake” music generation and paving the way for all the bovines to follow us to freedom. TAOW!!” or “We urge our fans to come to these gatherings and help us destroy this BOVINE SOCIETY from the inside out. Watch us cover these people you hate so much in vomit and rage and then share in the laughter that follows! JOIN US!!!!”

…um… you know who probably liked music, drugs, and changing society from the inside out through music?

manson1a

…Goddamn, I mean, I was gonna say John Lennon, but whatever…

But, Um… Is It Any Good?

No.  It’s probably a bad sign that, with 4000 profile views, their most popular song has just over 100 plays.  You know when you’re at a party, and there’s that one dude who get’s too drunk and starts making really uncomfortable jokes that would be forgivable if they were funny at all?  But instead, they just sing in a chipmunk voice a song called “Mr. Johnson,” with lines like “Mr. Johnson, put your Johnson away, I don’t want to see your penis”?

Is that just me?  What, you’ve never had that happen at a party?  Seriously?  Goddamn, I need to stop hanging out with the Barf Bag Boys then.

Oh, they also have a song called “The Heroin Diary” and one called “Resin Bowl,” so they pretty much are a one trick pony that’s tries to be edgy, and just ends up being annoying.

3.  Anarchy

anarchy-thumb

Wait, What The Fuck?

Okay, so, it was just a matter of time before a really cliched, angsty band name popped its ugly head on this list.  Seriously, who the fuck names their band anarchy?  I mean, they’re British, and I guess they have to try harder to get their name out there.  And, supposedly, they’re on a “major” label.  But, then again, they don’t bother telling us what that label is, and their scant 3000 profile views seems to imply that they’re not really bringing in the Benjamins as much as their sparse profile would want you to believe.  Also, I mean, didn’t that whole angry-young-people thing go out of favor around the point that the youth of the world started to go retarded over metrosexual vampires?

Premiere Twilight LA

Hmm, let’s count the number of thin, socially accepted people in this photo… one…two………..

But, Um…Is It Any Good?

Okay, seriously guys, when did we forget how to spell the foods and toys of our childhood?  The most played track by this “Grime/Grudge/Electronica” band is entitled “Playdoe”.  Seriously people, are you trying to piss me off?

As far as music, do you think you have what it takes to make a 4 second kinda boring electronic beat?  And then loop it for 3 minutes?  Apparently, you’re a Grime/Grudge/Electronica artist on a major label then!  Kudos to you!


ANARCHY!

2.  The Jewish Barbers

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Wait, What The Fuck?

I Know, right?  Maybe it’s a circumcision joke?  Abe Lincoln, cats, and french fries are apparently involved? They’re friends with Tim and Eric of the “are there enough drugs in the world to appreciate this” show “Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job,” so maybe it has something to do with them.  The band members are, supposedly, two old people holding photoshopped cats.  Wait, what?

Also, how can you be “Dutch Pop” if you’re from Canada?  That makes no sense!  You make no sense, Jewish Barbers!

But, Um…Is It Any Good?

Dear lord.  You can listen for yourself if you want.  Just…just…no, no, I’m done, I’m done.

No, seriously, I can’t take anymore musical pain.  I really, I’m, fuck it, I’m done.  The only way I could be even crueler to myself is if I listened to…

1.  Asher Roth

Wait, What The Fuck?

By now, we all know my complete hatred of Asher Roth, with his tender ballad to college (“I love college” is sort of his motif), where he professes his love for miller high life, and wearing two condoms while having sex (which, as I’ve also pointed out, makes them LESS effective.  Boom, science).

“He’s absolutely right, this test confirms it.  Asher Roth sucks really hard.”

And yet, he has a song with over one million plays on myspace

But, Um… Is It Any Good?

Well, since I’m using this as a gimmicky way to make fun of Asher Roth while not having to google for any more terrible bands with terrible names, we can just leave it at this.  The day Asher Roth’s CD drops, is the day I hijack a truck of CDs and start a massive fire.  Maybe I’ll be listening to some Jewish Barbers while I do it…

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About Jeff GoodSmith

I write on occasion. Sometimes it ends up here.
This entry was posted in Jaded Hipster, Meet Sarcastic List and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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