The music of the world is pretty damn substantial. It reflects and is influenced by our history, our culture, and our love of copious amounts of genitalia (though most top 40 hits are only influenced by that last one.) Mozart helped us discover that music can get you laid. The Vietnam war proved that whole societies can use music to unite behind peace. And get laid. The 80’s showed that you can use music to express a nihilistic love of cocaine. Also to get laid. And currently, music teaches us important life lessons, like that the term “lollipop” can be used to describe a penis.
A milli A milli
But did you know that music can also tell us the fucking future? That’s right, as we speak, dozens, if not hundreds of bands have seemingly been transplanted from the future to issue a dire warning of ROCK. These bands walk among us, play for our amusement as (generally white) people flail their arms wildly as they perform some sort of retarded hipster mating ritual.
Notice how the hipster, in his native environment, has unzipped his hoodie in order to display his plumage. The desired arousal has seemingly been achieved by the female hipster decked in bright, eye-catching yellow
Today we are going to examine 8 of these John Connors of the music industry, traveling to our primitive time to play sold out shows at that cool music venue that you’re sure you’re the only one that knows about (even though they totally booked an intimate Ashlee Simpson concert for August). Though, as a fair warning, since I apparently have a slight reputation for making robot sex jokes, I will make sure I avoid them in this article. It’s just too easy.
More like BrokeBOT Mountain, am I right? You know…cause…he’s a robot and…the movie and…gay?
[editor’s note: Since Japan is already technically 100 years in the future, no Japanese bands will be allowed on this list]
8. Dan Deacon (from the year 2035)
Dan Deacon, the Baltimore electronic musician, comes from a not-too distant future where American society still functions as a cohesive, albeit fucking INSANE, whole. You’d get the impression that he’s constantly on acid, but in 2035, with the denigration of American popular culture, he’s actually considered fairly mild mannered. So he went back in time to sing about trippy green skulls, and stand out as being out of his FUCKING mind. For example, it was recently announced that not only was the audio for this video recorded while Dan Deacon was completely sober, but that he hasn’t even done acid.
Songs like “Moses Vs. Predator,” “Lion With a Sharks Head,” and “Woof Woof,” help show us that in the future, our sanity will be replaced by eye-meltingly psychedelic images everywhere we look. Don’t believe me? Here’s America in the future, according to the music video for his song “The Crystal Cat”.
“I believe in two things. America, and Snickerdoodles.”
What I’m sorry did you say something? I couldn’t hear you, I was distracted my sound of my teeth vibrating in my head.
…lets move on, shall we?
Wavves (from the year 2040)
Shortly after the brain-fried society of Dan Deacon’s time finally melted down, America was transformed into an apocalyptic wasteland, a vast desert where what’s left of the roads are roamed by wild troves of musicians screeching on fuzzed out guitars with distortion pedals. There are no turn tables in the chaos that remains, no digitalized music, no eccentric bands with strings and horns, there are just guitars made of rib cages and drums made from garbage cans and the skin of your enemies. Imagine The Road Warrior, only with Indie bands. In a word, it’s going to be fucking badass.
“Hey there sugar tits. See, not so nice when it’s directed at YOU, is it, Mel?“
But Wavves couldn’t deal with all of that, so the drum-guitar bedroom project noise pop due found the crumbling remains of Dan Deacon’s time machine, and hopped back to to good old late aughties and play some fuzzed out music.
But it’s clear that Wavves just was not suited for this world. They were too soft for their time, and too big of dicks for our time. At the Primavera music festival, after taking a cocktail of Ecstasy, Valium, and Xanax before coming on stage, singer/guitarist Nathan Williams spent the first 15 minutes of the set sound-checking, dodging bottles from the fans as he mocked the audience between songs. When drummer Ryan Ulsh walked off stage, throwing his drumsticks at Williams (there have been reports Ulsh has since quit the band, no doubt to return to his time and get back his murder drum), Williams shouted, “Come back here motherfucker, we’re not done yet!”
The future is an angry time, and that can turn any one of us turn into massive, substance abusing douchebags. If the future doesn’t have enough resources for a band to have a bass player, how can we expect them to be concerned about manners?
6. The Mae Shi (from the year 2070)
All hail Chairman Chao! Once our benevolent Chinese overlords (glory to them) were able to survive the global meltdown thanks to their harsh media regulations and free-trade influenced communist government, it was just a matter of putting the proper amount of resources into taking over America and reestablishing a working societal governmental! They even let us speak English (in the privacy of our homes)! All our love and devotion to the glorious Chairman Chao and his silent ministers who watch our every move and action!
“We watch you shower for your own safety”
One of the best bands of 2070 that was able to get one of the handful of government “Merrymaker/Musical Entertainment” permits is The Mae Shi. Their first album, “Chairman Chao and the Glorious Mango Grove and No One Will Ever Be Sick Again Glory to Chairman Chao,” released in 2067, sold over a million MP8 holograph data upload rations in its first week.
But the Mae Shi wanted something the new Chinese government could not offer, personal freedoms and expansive pop culture. So they came to our time to make glitchy Indie pop for all the clusterfuck clever kids. Amazed at all freedoms and choices they were offered, they immediately developed a borderline unhealthy obsession with American pop culture, as evident in this cover of the Miley Cyrus song “See You Again.”
Obviously all these people are from the future- though one of the people in the video clearly preferred living under Chinese control.
“…Chairman Chao never made me wear a wig…”
The Mae Shi also recorded a song about Christian Bale’s famous melt down two days after it happened, using audio clips from the tirade. They clearly love being in this time, but I’m worried that they’re diving into things a bit too quickly with their hyper-pop. If they keep trying to take everything in at once, they could get themselves hurt. It’ll like that episode of Futurama where Bender becomes a human, and just gorges himself into a giant fat monster within a week.
Behold your fate, Mae Shi, and tremble. …or, uh, jiggle.
5. Xiu Xiu (from the year 2100)
After the death of Chairman Chao, the people were not willing to embrace his son as replacement. A massive, bitter civil war resulted in a new, loosely formed world federation centered in the now overly polluted city of FuckYouAsshole, formerly Great Chairman Chao Fortress, formerly New York. In the gloom of our darkened skies, and a society unsure of the limitation of their rights, Xiu Xiu serves as the soundtrack of daily life. When scientists unearthed a previously undiscovered vault of Chairman Chao’s treasures, the time machine used by the Mae Shi was discovered. Xiu Xiu decided to steal it, saying, “Let’s get the fuck out of here.” But don’t worry, they brought back with them video footage of our fate, as a warning to all of us.
Today they’re considered an experimental Indie band, but in their time, they were actually pretty mainstream. All the “edgy” bands usually only recorded one album, which would be a live recording of their first show, consisting of a ten minute track where the lead singer would just set himself on fire. Xiu Xiu are sort of retro sell outs, just dumbing down the musical stylings of the Expression music revolution of 2090. Most of the Scenesters (they call themselves “Former Detainees”) at the time sort of viewed them like we view Nickelback.
Hey Nickelback, I’m just saying…all the COOL bands set themselves on fire on stage…
4. Empire of the Sun (from the year 2150)
Once our scientists were able to invent the ozone scrubbers and depollute our planet, and as the world federation finally solidified its control, we were left with a unified societal culture that was an amalgamation of American and Chinese influences. Boldly embracing this (at least in a trippy as shit future look) are the fashion setters of the mid 22nd century, Empire of the Sun.
Having already conquered the fashion and the music charts in the future, there was nothing else for Empire of the Sun to do other than rock it out, 21st century style. Since their futuristic accent and dialogue might have seemed strange to us, they just decided, “fuck it, we’ll say we’re Australian.” No one really knows what an Australian sounds like, anyway.
Nope, he’s Swedish
3. Of Montreal (from the year 2175)
The next logical step from Empire of the Sun is the Indie pop clusterfuck that is Of Montreal. As society developed a curiosity towards the various cultures of the past, Of Montreal made a name for themselves by taking every popular fashion and appearance of the time, and putting it in a blender while singing generally sunny music. But once all the copycats in the music industry started ripping off their style, putting on wedding dresses and mascara and whatever the female singers would wear, Of Montreal needed to bring their little brand of crazy to our time.
Also, I’m fairly sure lead singer Kevin Barnes is an alien. Yup, that’s right, we finally have aliens in the future.
Kevin Barnes was the alien to make first contact with future Earth, and much like the Native Americans and white man’s fire water, instead of going back to his home world, he just decided to glam himself out and take all the drugs we have to offer. Especially acid, but especially acid. That’s all we get from our first encounter from alien life, a musician drugged out of his mind. It’s a damn shame, we all thought aliens would hook us up with cool technology and like, chicks with green boobs.
Ha, first contact
But no, in the future, aliens are only good to show us where we can cover our bodies with glitter. And they also let us know that champagne and acid do not mix well. And they’re great at at making theme songs for Outback Steak house. And those aliens walk among us. Goddammit.
Nope, also Swedish
2. Radiohead (from the year 2250)
Well, there were some setbacks. That whole societal meltdown in 2040. The Chinese labor regime. And don’t get me started on the whole technology ban of 2190. But we finally, finally, were able to create realistic androids. Robots that could do a variety of necessary menial tasks. Cleaning our homes, like in the Jetsons. Killing our unwanted young children, like that liquid terminator in Terminator 2. Servicing our sexual needs like…DAMMIT I WASN’T SUPPOSE TO MAKE A ROBOT SEX JOKE!
You are a weak, weak man, GoodSmith
But a highly experimental project by the now eerily omnipresent governmental federation was able to create something the previous generation had thought impossible- a highly enjoyable, popular band comprised ENTIRELY of androids. Robots, with real human skin grafted over their exoskeletons, wowing the world with their inventive albums and name-your-own-price music schemes. Some suspected their origins, but it wasn’t until their controversial release, the unfortunately titled OK Computer (2250, rereleased 1997) that the full public uproar towards their now obvious origins appeared. And the reason for their exodus to our time was when their human voice replicator program failed while recording the previously unimportant track, “Fitter, Happier, More Productive.”
The year 2250 was no ready for such drastic shifts in the artistic dynamic, so Radiohead was banished to the dark ages of the 1990’s, where they would have to slave away, re-releasing all their albums in the hope that the barbarians of the past would accept them so warmly, and not shun them for their soulless, robotic ways. It’s not that uncommon- time machines in 2250 are cheaper than just about every car (except Kia), and most society’s monsters are sent back in time so that we have to deal with them.
convicted serial arsonists, 2218
1. Daft Punk (from the year 2500)
DAFT PUNK ARE ROBOTS! DON’T YOU SEE!? DAMN YOU! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
After the great robot uprising of 2300, a bloody and wire-y war was waged for a hundred years. With no end in sight, a compromise was reached. Humanity would be converted to robot form, and billions of consciousnesses were downloaded from brain tissue to custom made robot chassis..es (chassees?) via crystal memory information cubes. Humanity as we know it now resides in immortal robots. For years, there has been mistrust between the Created and the Transferred, but it was Daft Punk, a musical duo consisting of a Created robot (unit number 38-23835-239xdk) and a Transferred robot (he thinks his name used to be Steve) that true world harmony was achieved. Much like “give peace a chance,” these robots’ opus, “Digital Love” sent society down a better path.
Kanye? Also a robot.
Their work done, the Daft Punk bots traveled across all of time, spreading their message of peace, goodwill, and that robots are kinda fucking awesome.
Harder? Check. Better? Check. Faster? Check. Stronger? You’d better fucking believe it
And, while their program doesn’t allow them to actively attempt to achieve world domination, or God-like worship, they don’t really go out of their way to avoid it.