Remember that time you bum-rushed that Amy Winehouse performance at Readings? How about that time you sucker-punched Elton John? Do you know how you ended up in that dumpster using a Radiohead T-shirt as a pillow? Of course not, you were trashed out of your mind. In fact, you’re pretty sure you might be pregnant, which is a pretty terrifying, sobering notion in it’s own right. Except ten times more so if you’re a dude.
“OH GAWD WHAT HAPPENED IT’S A BABY GEARGLE GEARGLE AUSTRIAN ACCENT!?!?!?”
Or at least those are the thoughts of the individuals listed below, who in an age of drunk people making fools of themselves at concerts, have actually managed to make the news by going above and beyond the call of duty in the name of awesome drunken douchebaggery.
A Mexican citizen by the name of Pablo Fernandez, or as he’s known to his friends, Pablo *incomprehensible flurry of Spanish middle names* Fernandez was hanging around Grant Park in Chicago on August 9th, 2009, towards the tail end of the final night of the Lollapalooza. Lolla, being easily the largest festival to come to Chicago each year, receives a large amount of additional security from the generally calm, rational, 1968 democratic convention friendly police force that has years of experience at not beating people up when they gather in crowds.
And because people like Chicago Cops, and love incredible shit-producing, racing and old-timey travel animals, what’s better than making an irritable man with a gun sit on a horse that smells like farts all day?
This guy will fuck you up. The horse too.
Well, since Cops are generally approachable, and horses are pretty, Fernandez decided he wanted to pet the pretty horsey. When the officer told him to stand aside, Fernandez did what every rational person who just finished having a goddamn enema of tequila would do. He punched the horse. In the hope that we truly live in an awesome world, let’s just assume that he decided to slug the horse in it’s smug, Mr. Ed wannabe fucking mouth.
Fuck you, horse
This startled the horse, causing it to rear up on its hind legs, and landed Fernandez with a nice overnight stay at the local jail. He was charged with misdemeanor reckless conduct, but seriously, how fucking hilarious would it have been if they decided to book him with “Assault of a police officer”?
Just skip to the 2:30 point of this video if you want to see shit start to go sour
Hmm…this doesn’t seem too bad…
…oh, hi there riot police, I didn’t see you there
Hundreds of drunk, tweaked out attendees rushed the V.I.P. section (where tickets started at $175 a pop), people started leaping 12-15 feet from the balconies to get to the main floor, and eventually riot police had to be called in to clear out the place. 17,000 people were kicked out, and Richards stands to lose a lump of money that’s looking like it will reach the seven-figure level, since he is refunding all tickets, and paying all of the bands he signed.
So, what did we learn from all of this? Apparently, if you get over 17 thousand people, promise them a all night dance party concert, let them get good and liquored up, and have them sit through technical delays in a seated arena, things might go quite as swimmingly as you might have hoped.
If you click the link in the headline, you will find a very NSFW video showing a man with the world’s smallest penis getting tasered multiple times by cops. There’s not much to the story other than that. He was naked, not causing much trouble apart from refusing to put on clothing, and the police tasered him (bro), multiple times. The crowd didn’t seem to like it, but really this was just a wasted guy who didn’t want to listen to cops.
Oh wait, did I mention that he was a fucking WIZARD!?
Get it!? Cause, Harry Potter, you know…wizards? Woot?
It’s a headline that writes itself. “Drunk naked wizard tasered at Cochella“. One can only imagine he was sober when he decided to put on a wizard’s robe, and as he got progressively drunker (and I’m sure LSD put its pickled-dinosaury-OH-MY-FUCKING-GOD-WHAT-IS-THAT hand in the mix), after a full day of people saying, “Hey! It’s a wizard!” he decided it would be a good idea to wip off his clothing. Probably saying, “Oh yeah, I got your (tiny) wand right the fuck here!”
GET IT!? WOOD! HA! GET IT!?!?!?!?
The Reading Festival usually is considered a pretty big deal for members of America’s 4th colony, England. And they are pretty vocal about bands they feel are not “deserving” of playing on their stages. And, I guess at least to one tea-swiller (aren’t made up ethnic slurs fun?) decided that Panic! At The Disco sucks pretty hardcore. And they have! extra pucnt?uation whe.re it shouldn’t be*.
The process was probably pretty simple. Eight beers into the evening Roger here or whatever British name he has probably took a swig of his beer, glared up at the band and thought “God, this sucks.” Each swig made him madder and madder, until…fuck it.
He chucked the bottle at the lead singer Brendan Urie. And, what’s actually impressive, is not only did he hit his target, but he conked Urie in the head so hard that the lead singer literally lost consciousness for several seconds. Now, I don’t really listen to Panic!, so I’d be sort of hard pressed to come up with jokes based on their song titles about the incident.
First Try? Mad As Rabbits? The Guy on the Left Looks Like a Lesbian? (one of those isn’t a song…)
Noel Gallagher is kind of a dick. He’s wished AIDS on Blur, gets into notorious fights with family members, if there ever was a musician that could press the hidden “I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE” button that every drunk man in the world has, it would be him.
So, just watch this video, and enjoy the 1:30 mark.
Do you see that? Do you notice how no one is outraged? Everyone seems almost…happy that it happened? And can you hear yourself laughing?
Well, you’ll feel a bit bad about that after hearing that he actually got hurt from this attack. But, just sit and wait with me, drink a few beers, and rewatch the video with that knowledge.
Still funny? Yup, fucking hilarious. Let’s bumrush this guy!
Bumrushing and throwing bottles at people is old hat. It’s been done to death. But urine? How many bands can say they’ve had pee thrown at them?
One. One band. Mars Volta can.
Now, this is not your run of the mill drunken golden shower, here. There wasn’t even an (observed) public display of nudity. This drunken act of hatred was actually glorious in it’s premeditation. In fact, it’s so brilliantly conceived that I am going to publish the official Jeff GoodSmith illustrated guide to throwing pee on Mars Volta.
drink this. ALL of it. The bottle too.
Take one of these (if you can find a Willie Nelson brand, do it)
Pee. In the bottle. You’ll be seeing three, so aim for the middle one.
THROW IT THROW IT YOU GLORIOUS BASTARD!
1. Nickelback SUCKS! LET’S THROW ROCKS AT THEM AND MAKE THEM LEAVE!
Just watch this. Just watch this, and love this. We all need Portuguese friends, because as Nickelback played in Lisbon, they were pelted with rocks relentlessly until they left stage.
I don’t even have anything to add to this one. Just sit back, and watch this video on repeat, and enjoy. This audience is awesome.