Top 6 Awesome Lyrics (That You Could Never Ever Post As An Away Message)

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Each generation sees a new slew of artsy wannabees who spend far too much of their time memorizing shit other people wrote so they can quote it at turn of a hat to make themselves sound deep/sensitive/(they’re trying to get laid, just a heads up).  Back in Victorian England, people spouted Keats and Shelley and whoever else who could score them a chance at spending 50 minutes trying to unlace a fair maiden’s corset and petticoat before finally giving up and asking “maybe…just with your mouth, or…?”

“Which one of you two fine ladies would like to give me blue balls?”

In the 40s and 50s, all the cool hip types could drop some Kerouac, Ginsberg, or other beat writer into a conversation like I dropped calculus.  The Baby Boomers would just sort of mumble acid delusions to the tune of Jimmi Hendrix, and throw in something like “Make love, not war” at the tail end of it.  Fucking hippies.

Hippies suck

Nowadays, hipsters across the globe choose to quote their favorite songs for all to see, plastering it on away messages like a lyrical mood-ring.  Your buddy has some Conor Oberst as his away message?  Aww, he’s sad.  That kid you knew in high school has some Pixies lyrics up?  He’s probably feeling edgy, nostalgic.  Your ex’s away message is that line from that Stars song that starts, “When there is nothing left to burn, you must set yourself on fire”?  Well, she still hasn’t forgiven you for sleeping with her sister.

Surprisingly, saying “But LOOK at how HOT your sister is!” did not help

We all do it to some degree.  Hell, half of my default away messages are song lyrics that range from, “woo hoo, awesome!” to “go to hell, PLANET EARTH”.  It’s a time honored tradition that every high school student can relate to, and it’s moderately socially acceptable, as long as you’re not 30.

However, there are songs out there that, though the lyrics are awesome, you could never, ever post as an away message.  Unless you want to come home flooded with dozens of, “what the FUCK, man?” messages, and a few anonymous tips to the police.  And here are six of them.

(DISCLAIMER- THIS ARTICLE IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS AND STRAINED RELATIONSHIPS THAT MAY RESULT FROM POSTING THE FOLLOWING LYRICS- CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED )

6.  The Wrens – I’ve Made Enough Friends


The Lyric:

Undo your buckle while you bite at my neck

I’ve waited no end

I’ve made enough friends

We’re down to nothing and I can’t stop shaking

We’re nothing but skin

I think we’re done in

Why It’s Awesome

As anyone who has visited this site before might know, I have an almost single-white-female level of adoration for the Jersey band, The Wrens.  They literally can do no wrong.  If they set up a video camera and strangled a small, adorable kitten fresh from the litter, while its mother was forced to watch, strapped down to a chair with it’s adorable cat eyes taped open to witness the horror, like a scene from a furry version of Clockwork Orange, all while chanting, “I am a promise keeper,” and posted it on youtube, I’d probably post the video on my tumblr, and write about how it’s the best music video of the year.  Fuck, it’d probably make my top 5 for Best Songs of 2009.  What I’m trying to say is, these guys are awesome


Lovely, lovely Ludwig…I mean, Wrens

And on top of that, the song “I’ve Made Enough Friends” is an incredible song.  I have friends who, having never even heard of a single Indie Rock band, would listen to this song and say, “This is a badass song, can you send it to me?”  It’s been described (by a friend of the band) as “The sex song of the 90’s”.  It’s upbeat, got harmonies, pick ups, and is a uniquely personal, textured, and relatable description of a hook up.  It instills the sense of conquest, catharsis, and excitement felt after your first kiss with that girl you’ve been crazy about for as long as you can remember.  It’s an incredible emotion to capture, and when you’re feeling particularly triumphant, why wouldn’t you want to post this as an away message?

Why You Wouldn’t Want To Post This As An Away Message

When you post a song lyric as an away message, it is read by two types of people.  Those that see it, say, “oh, he must not be at his computer” and ignore the message, or those that read the message and spend way too much energy trying to figure out the meaning of the away message, looking for little hints about your life and what you’re doing at that very moment.

The existence of this second group is the very exact reason why you’d receive nothing but headaches trying to post this sucker.

Think about it.  Does anyone on your contact list have a crush on you?  Do you have a crush on anyone on your contact list?  Any of your exes on your contact list?  Ever get drunk at a party and make out with a close friend?  Boom, this girl reads this message and freaks out thinking either, A- “Oh shit, is he talking about me?” or B- “WHO HAS HE BEEN SLEEPING WITH!?  THAT MAN-WHORE!”  So congratulations, you’re now stuck in a series of subtle interrogatory questions that eventually devolves into a lets-have-a-serious-talk-about-our-relationship conversation with someone you’re not in a relationship with.  Thanks a fuckton, Wrens.

5.  Lifter Puller – Nice, Nice
The Lyric

Remember Jenny back from I like the lights she said

“Well, I like you Dwight, but I don’t like the pipe

The things that you put in your pipe like your life”

Now Jenny missed her ride and she’s takin’ off her tights

In the back seat of some taxi

We went from upstairs at the Nice Nice up to Franklin up by 15th

And Jenny got dressed as they circled the block

They did the secret knock and stuck their hands through the mail slot

And one, two, three, four, that’s the way that Jenny scores

Why It’s Awesome

Lifter Puller is the Minnesota band that sort of exists as a precursor to The Hold Steady (they both have the same lead guitarist and vocalist).  Which automatically makes them awesome.  Seriously, it’s science- The Hold Steady is to rock music what MSG is to food flavor, only slightly healthier for you.

And Craig Finn looks like a substitute teacher

While The Hold Steady is a bit more rounded, lyrically, tossing in things like Christianity and motifs and all that adult bullshit, Lifter Puller was younger and wilder.  So basically they spent a lot of time just talking about partying, or writings songs with titles like “Space Humping $19.99“.  Which is awesome.  Obviously, this song talks about a drug deal, which is cool because it involves a chick taking off her pants in a taxi.  That’s the goddamn American Dream right there, I’m not even kidding.  Because in our minds, she’s hot, and hasn’t lost any teeth yet.  When the founding fathers wrote up the Magna Carta or whatever in 1712 (citation needed), they actually considered putting in a segment about how it’s an American right to be a hot chick who takes off her bonnet in the back of a carriage while trying to score some opium, while the carriage driver high fives himself a thousand high fives (citation needed).

“I believe here is where we should put in our ‘mo money mo problems’ section”

Why You Wouldn’t Want To Post This As An Away Message

Okay, apart from glorifying a drug deal, which some people might not appreciate, let’s just think about the name of the songs, er, uh, protagonist?  Jenny.  That’s a fucking common name.  Like, REALLY common.  You, you right there.  Yes, you.  Do you know anyone named Jennifer, or a derivative of Jennifer?  Of course you fucking do.  So, if you post a lyric about Jenny getting some drugs in sketchy circumstances, you’ll have a minimum of three people who read it and think, “what the hell, man!?”

I cannot stress this enough.  I know many Jennifers.  It’s like saying “I know many Dans”, of course you do, because it’s one of the most popular names in America.  Hell, my MOTHER is named Jennifer.  AND she has my AIM.  Read those lyrics again, and replace the name “Jenny” with your mom’s name.  Yeah, suddenly you don’t want to be quoting that lyric anymore, huh?  1-2-3-4, that’s the way your mom scores?  People have  killed for less.

That is, unless all your friends named Jennifer are heavy drug users.  In which case, awesome, rock on.

4.  Okkervil River – For Real


The Lyric

Sometimes the blood from real cuts

Feels real nice when it’s really mine

And if you want it to be real come over for one night

And we can really, really climb

And those blue bridge lights might really burn most bright

As we watch the dark lake rise

And if you really want to see what matters most to me

Just take a real short drive

Why It’s Awesome

Okkervil River makes hummable songs with eerily dark lyrics better than anyone.  And here’s an example of that.  If you’ve heard the song, you’re jamming along to the music of it just reading the lyrics.  And there’s a lot in this lyric that conjures up cool, literary imagery.  And that’s just my douchebag English major way of saying that you can think of a dozens of meanings behind the last lines in this section.  There’s a really badass description of staring from a beach in the middle of a night, cool imagery from the street lights, you know, all that jazz.  If I went deeper into it, I’d just end up sounding like a prick, so let’s move on, shall we?

Why You Wouldn’t Want To Post This As An Away Message

You know what’s cool?  The first two Terminator movies.  Those are really cool.  Seriously, have you seen that shit?  There’s a steroided out of his mind governor as an emotionless robot trying to kill a fetus, and then a small child, to stop humanity, with all the carnage and mayhem you could ask for.  It’s sooooo cool, you guys.

And it helped inspire this incredibly sexually confusing picture of Summer Glau

You know what’s not considered cool?  Cutting yourself.  I know, weird right?  You post one away message talking about how good your blood feels after you cut yourself, and everyone freaks out and calls a social worker who wakes you up with your “friends” because they’re all “concerned about you” and that “cutting isn’t a healthy escape from your problems and maybe you should stop shooting up heroin, because you’re alienating your friends” and I just use a little heroin, because it mellows me out when I’m high strung, there’s nothing wrong with that I could quit any time, okay, I just don’t really feel like it right now, GAWD, leave me alone you guys, it was just an away message!  Fuck!

…you know.  Hypothetically.

3.  12 Rods – I Wish You Were A Girl

The Lyric

Don’t get me wrong

But everything’s so new

‘Cause I’m not scared for some reason

‘Cause I got naked with you

‘Cause I feel green, if you know what I mean

Don’t be so nice to me, ’cause I’ll feel awkward

‘Cause if you were a girl (oh)

Nothing would seem to matter

If you were a girl (oh)

I wouldn’t really care

Why It’s Awesome

Okay, here me out on this one.  I can see that look in your eyes, and that look is exactly why this song lyric made this list.  But more on that later.

This song has got some universality going for it.  If not for that last section, or the title, you’d totally get it, you know?  Sometimes your in a situation with someone, and it turns sexual, and it’s, like, it’s complicated, you know?  You’re hooking up with a friend, your ex’s sister, a robot, whatever.  Many people are put in situations where things sort of speed up, and there’s a lot of apprehension because of one certain aspect.  Maybe you’ve known each other for a long time.  Maybe she’s related to your friend.  Maybe it’s a friend’s ex.  Maybe it’s your boss.  And if that one nagging aspect was gone, you’d be really excited about the situation, but because everything is suddenly complicated, you’re apprehensive.  You’ve been there right?  You can understand the emotional turmoil of it.  So fuck you, it’s a solid lyric.

No homo.

See?  Look at the pretty girl.  She’s all naked and junk, and her breasts feel like…bags of…sand…

Why You Wouldn’t Want To Post This As An Away Message

Do I really need to explain this?  We all know exactly why this might be a problem, let’s not kid ourselves.

Because as a straight male, if I posted that away message, I would be flooded with “oh my God, are you gay!?  Is this you coming out of the closet!?” messages.  And when I’d say, “No, I’m not gay, it’s just a good song,” they’d nod and say, “suuuure” and the next few years would be filled with blind date set ups that end up being with dudes, and things get all hella awkward like that one scene in “I Love You, Man”

“Hey I don’t know what Jill told you but…hey….hey, wait, woahh, woah, uh…eh, fuck it”

And if you’re gay?  You’re either in the closet, in which case, congrats, you just had one of the most depressing comings-outs ever, or you’re out in the open, in which case, why would you wish that dude was a girl?  What are you, a self-hating gay?

See?  No good can come of this.

2.  The Decemberists – The Rake’s Song

decemberists

The Lyrics

Charlotte, I buried after eating up foxgrove

Dawn was easy, she was drowned in the bath

Eziah fought but was easily bested

Burned his body for incurring my wrath

Alright, alright, alright!

Why It’s Awesome

The Decemberists like books.  No, seriously, check out that picture.  They’re totally reading it.  Like, the words and everything.  Oh, this song is also this badass part of a rock opera that involves shape-shifting, forest queens, all sorts of crazy stuff.  Oh, yeah, and infanticide.  The nonchalant manner in which he talks about, well, killing people?  You have to admit it, it’s badass.  Plus, if you’re ever running, this song totally makes you want to sprint.  Though that might just be because you don’t want the narrator catching you.

“Shit shit shit shit shit, I don’t know what foxgrove is, but I don’t want any”

Why You Wouldn’t Want To Post This As An Away Message

People tend to get “weirded out” if you post lyrics to a song about killing all your children.  Blame society, not me.

1.  Frightened Rabbit – Keep Yourself Warm


The Lyric

I’m drunk, I’m drunk

And you’re probably on pills

If we both have the same diseases

It’s irrelevant, girl

Why It’s Awesome

Who writes that!?  Who!?  I mean, read that, let it sink in.  Now, read it, and keep in mind that the song is fucking gorgeous, is sung with a heavy Scottish accent, and has a chorus line of, “It takes more than fucking someone you don’t know to keep you warm”

Hell, give it a listen.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.

This song has serious balls.  First of all, it blatantly uses the word “a hole” in reference to vaginas.  “You won’t find love in a hole”.  Those are the kinds of lyrics that people write, and then throw away because, shit, you don’t people thinking your mind works that way.  But, there’s that brutal honesty, that “screw appearances, let’s just get everything out in the open” mindset that’s inviting.  It’s a “I’ve got nothing to lose” away message, which are surprisingly common.

Why You Wouldn’t Want To Post This As An Away Message

Hey, raise your hand if you enjoy sex.  Don’t be shy, this is an open environment.  Let’s see, one, two, three, four….oh, so all of you.  Cool, okay, I sort of assumed that.  Do you hope to have it again in the future?  Show of hands?  Okay, still all of you.  Good.

Yeah, probably won’t happen if you post that as an away message.  Well, at least from people on your contact list.  Never.  Going.  To.  Happen.  You go to make out with someone, they’re like “woooahhh there, I don’t want Syphilis, okay?”  Boom, game over.  Game fucking over.

Like this.  But on vaginas

So consider yourself warned.  The above lyrics may be kinda badass…but be prepared to face the consequences if you use them.

Wait a minute…if I posted all these lyrics in an online article, isn’t that like, an away message for the whole world to see?

……….Fuck

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About Jeff GoodSmith

I write on occasion. Sometimes it ends up here.
This entry was posted in Jaded Hipster, Meet Sarcastic List and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Top 6 Awesome Lyrics (That You Could Never Ever Post As An Away Message)

  1. Ian says:

    Dude–you left off this Neutral Milk Hotel goodie that I’ve almost used before:

    “Your father made fetuses with flesh-licking ladies.”

    I suppose it might have been hard to work a whole paragraph of humor around it, but anyone not familiar with that song would get… weirded out.

  2. Ken says:

    Tough to pick the most inappropriate Okkervil River song–Westfalls could get you busted:as well:

    And when I killed her, it was so easy
    that I wanted to kill her again
    I got down on both of my knees and\
    she ain’t coming back again

    All to a lovely up tempo mandolin and teenage boys in the audience nodding enthusiastically

  3. Pingback: Top 6 (more) Awesome Lyrics (That You Could Never Ever Post As An Away Message) | Elitish

  4. Pingback: Elitish’s Top 50 Tracks of 2010: #30-21 | Elitish

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