Top 6 (more) Awesome Lyrics (That You Could Never Ever Post As An Away Message)

As I’ve documented in part one of this segment, there are a lot of great lyrics out there, and there are a lot of lyrics that are great representation of our current emotions.  The digital generation loves to air out quotes written by other people as a way to show how sensitive and fragile (see also:  “please someone sleep with me”) we are feeling.  Be it an AIM away message, a twitter, or a twitter-for-old-people (facebook status update) people are posting and tweeting and stalking-their-college-aged-kids nowadays using all sorts of musical cues.

“Well, it says here that our little Jimmy ‘Did all the Heroins and banged all the hookers’ what the devil do you think he means by that?

But as we’ve also seen, just because a song has great lyrics does not mean it can be appropriate to post them.  Hey, I know you like Okkervil River, and you want people to know how badass they are (how badass?  SOOO badass!), but if you post that you just killed a girl, police will be arriving at your house.  (Spoiler alert, that song totally makes this list)

Listen, I don’t CARE how easy it was, you’ll have to come in for questioning

So with that in mind, here are six more incredible lyrics.

That you should never ever post as an away message.

6.  Silversun Pickups – The Royal We


How many times do you want to die?

How many times do you want to die?

Do you feel safe again?  Look over your shoulder

Very carefully look over your shoulder

You used to do a little but a little won’t fly

Right before you hit your prime

That’s when we fell in love

But not the first time

Why It’s Awesome

Well, fair being fair, I’ve actually used the ending part of this as an away message before.  It’s really good, and describes perfectly the sort of mindset you have after a damaging, hurtful, unfulfilling relationship (thanks, 2008!).

Why You Wouldn’t Want To Post This As An Away Message

So while the last segment makes you go “Hell yes!” when you combine it with the first part, you’re suddenly a scary monster of a person.

nickelback1

OH GOD NOOOOOOOOOOO, PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!  NOT LIKE THIS!

There’s a huge difference between describing a relationship where you fall in and out of love, and describing a relationship where you fall in and out of love while writing in the second person and adding veiled threats.  Some people stay friends with their exes.  Some people cast their exes adrift and never see them again.  And some people become obsessed stalkers, secretly snipping locks of their hair and wearing their perfume so their scent will never leave them.  In this full lyric, Silversun Pickups sound like they belong to the latter group.

And now you’re weirded out by me because of how oddly specific I was with those details.

Stalkers really only find success in America if they’re a lead role in a Romantic Comedy or are shooting John Lennon.  Otherwise, it’s best not to post a lyric that would make people view you in that light.

5.  Neutral Milk Hotel – Oh Comely

Your father made fetuses with flesh licking ladies

While you and your mother were asleep in the trailer park.

Thunderous sparks from the dark of the stadiums,

The music was medicine you needed for comforting.

So make all your fat fleshy fingers to moving

And pluck all your silly strings, bend all your notes for me.

Soft silly music is meaningful magical,

The movements were beautiful, all in your ovaries.

All of them milking with green fleshy flowers,

While powerful pistons were sugary sweet machines.

Smelling of semen all under the garden

Was all you were needing when you still believed in me

Why It’s Awesome

Uh, how about because it’s fucking Neutral Milk Hotel?  Not only is this song by Neutral Milk Hotel, it’s from the album that single-handedly created the mindset that Neutral Milk Hotel is Indie royalty, influencing countless other bands, and being the one album I can think of where pitchfork had to rewrite a goddamn review ten years after the fact so they could change the rating to a 10.0.  Seriously, the old review?  A glowing 8.something?  Gone, banished from the site.  In the Aeroplane Over the Sea is by all accounts one of the best, if not the best, albums of the past twenty years.  It’s science.  Fucking.  Science.

physician-scientist

Behold, the second most used joke on this site (number one is Nickelback jokes)

Jeff Mangum weaves together beautiful lyrics, rich in meaning and emotion.  And objectively, these lyrics are beautiful and haunting, exactly what you’d want to hear on an album that is based on the diary of Anne Frank.

Though, call me a skeptic, I don’t think Anne Frank ever flew on an actual Airplane…

Why You Wouldn’t Want To Post This As An Away Message

Well, because out of context, this shit is messed.  Up.  Like, “Oh I didn’t know that you were a crazy person” messed up.  “Your father made fetuses with flesh licking ladies”?  Uhhh, oh…kay?  “The movements were beautiful all in your ovaries”?  Hey, we don’t need to hear about any ovaries or anything and…”Smelling of semen all under the garden”…okay what the shit?  Seriously?  Semen under the garden?  That’s gross.  That’s weird, and that’s gross.

You know why you don’t hear the word “semen” used in songs that often?  Because it’s one of those words that make people feel a little uncomfortable.  And if you post that in your away message?  Two things would happen.  First, your friends would go, “eww, tmi” or whatever the kids say nowadays.  Secondly, they would not be able to stop thinking about the word semen.  They’d be seeing it everywhere!  That’s just mean.

Did I mention that this isn’t even the only song in this album that has “semen” in the lyrics!?” See, when you start thinking about that word, you just can’t stop yourself…

stay-puft-marshmallow-man

An artist’s rendering of Jeff Mangum

4.  Okkervil River – Westfalls

okkervil-riverWhen I killed her

It was so easy

That I wanted to kill her again

I got down on both of my knees and

She ain’t coming back again

Why It’s Awesome

If there’s one thing our society loves anything more than coffee shops, it’s crime.  I mean, not when it happens to us personally, mind you, but we do love crime.  If you’re a criminal (say, Carolos Mencia), you might like it more than the rest of us (not because Carlos Mencia is Mexican, mind you, it’s because he steals jokes).  But even if you’re not a criminal (like Carlos Mencia.  Seriously, he steals jokes from comedians he has tour with him, how shitty is that?) you still like crime.  Think about it, how many TV shows and movies out there are all about either A- criminals or B- solving or stopping crime, or sometimes a combination of the two- solving crime with criminals.

…You’re right, I have cable and even I still barely get this reference.  Silence of the Lambs would have been a better choice

And not only do we love crime, we love humanizing criminals.  We’ve always wanted to get inside the minds of, say, the killer.  We’ve got shows like Dexter, where the killer is the hero of the show, for Christ’s sake!  So, this line, with it’s sadistic twist on a killer’s remorse, should resonate with our culture today.  You’d think.

Why You Wouldn’t Want To Post This As An Away Message

Because you’d think wrong.  You remember from earlier?  In the introduction to this article?  If you post something saying you killed someone, even if it’s quoting something, someone is going to take it seriously.  There are a lot of gullible and maladjusted people out there that take everything they hear or read at face value.  We call them West Virginians.

Hey, fuck you too, buddy

I’m dead serious about this.  When I was in High School, someone called the school Social Services representative because they heard someone say the reason he had a Band-Aid on his pinky was that he tried to kill himself.  With a cut on the pinky.  They made him go to psychiatrists for depression.  Now imagine that same person reading you say “When I killed her it was so easy that I wanted to kill her again.”  Did I mention that this person was DEXTER MORGAN?  Yeah.  So this away message would literally murder you.

“I think you just made that up, I sincerely doubt we went to high school together”

3.  Frightened Rabbit – The Twist

frightened_rabbitLet’s pretend I’m attractive and then

You won’t mind, we can twist for a while

It’s the night, I can be who you like

And I’ll quietly leave before it gets light

 

So twist and whisper the wrong name

I don’t care and nor do my ears

Twist yourself around me

I need company, I need human heat

I need human heat

Why It’s Awesome

I’m pretty sure that Frightened Rabbit makes it a point to write songs written explicitly for dry spells.  If you’re in a rough patch, romantically speaking, do you want to hear boastful sex songs?  Fuck no, they just piss you off.  That would be like comforting a friend who just got dumped by saying, “Hey, man, that really sucks.  But don’t worry, me and my girlfriend are still doing great.  Like, soooo much sex, you know what I’m saying?  High five!”

“You can watch if you’d like!  Just don’t cry too loud, it’ll distract us”

There’s nothing boastful about Frightened Rabbit.  They explicitly reference themselves as having STDs, and are eerily resigned about that fact.  They talk about how no one they sleep with wants to sleep with them.  The Midnight Organ Flight pretty much is an album about one prolonged pity fuck.  And sometimes?  That’s a spot on description of your emotions.  You’re down in the gutter, lonely as hell, and you are feeling a little, well, emo, and you want a lyric that says “I just want someone to touch me, even if it’s a lie.”  And if you’re in that mindset, this is the perfect song to post.  Right?

Why You Wouldn’t Want To Post This As An Away Message

There’s self-effacing away messages, which are understandable certain times.  If the lyrics are good, people will generally not give you shit for it.  Sadly, there are even circles in our society where having a Dashboard Confessional song as an away message is considered acceptable.  And that is a sad truth.

I don’t even have the energy to make fun of you

But, there’s only so much we can take in one short burst.  “I need company, I need human heat?”  okay, that’s fine, that’s acceptable, a bit direct, but hey, it’s a dry spell, we understand.  “Twist and whisper the wrong name, I don’t care”?  That’s a little much, guy.  Basically, this is advertising, “I am so depressed I would like emotionless, shallow sex,” which while you may be genuinely feeling that way, it makes the rest of us uncomfortable.  But given that it all starts with “Let’s pretend I’m attractive,” you have a sea of self loathing that’s just going to make everyone feel weird.

When you check someone’s away message, you’re maybe looking to see something insightful, humorous, or just a description of what your friend is doing right now (“burying body, ground is hard in the winter, should be a good workout, lol” for example.  I have scary friends).

“I’ll tweet the deets later”

Posting this lyric is like having a casual acquaintance say “how’s it going”, and responding with “Well, I’ll tell you, everything is going to hell, my girlfriend just left me, I got fired from my job, and I’ve been having impure thoughts about the Channel 8 weather girl, and have spent the last three days wearing boxers on my sofa with buckets of KFC scattered around me as I just watch her over and over again with my Tivo while breathing heavily.”  No one was looking to hear that much information, and now they’re making mental notes to stop talking to you, because you’re a crazy person.

“I will marry that woman…I will MARRY that woman…”

2 and 1.  Los Campesinos!  – We Are Beautiful / We Are Doomed and  Miserabilia


You feel terrified at the thought of being left behind

Of losing everybody, the necessity of dying

OH WE KID OURSELVES THERE’S FUTURE IN THE FUCKING!

BUT THERE IS NO FUCKING FUTURE!

and

I have broken down into the naked breasts of a newly ex (no dignity)

I can only guess that she’s thinking about it when she touches herself

SHOUT AT THE WORLD BECAUSE THE WORLD DOESN’T LOVE YOU

LOWER YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT YOU’LL HAVE TO

Why It’s Awesome

Because Los Campesinos! are soooo fucking happy about it!  They shout the above lyrics, but they don’t scream it, they’re fucking jovial about what they sing.  Which is awesome when it’s dealing with lyrics such as these.

Let’s break it down.  In “We Are Beautiful / We Are Doomed”, the final lines?  “We kid ourselves there’s future in the fucking, but there is no fucking future?”  That’s not only awesome, it works on levels.  Face value, it’s a doomed-from-the-beginning relationship.  Dig a little deeper, you can make the argument it’s a discussion on sex as procreation.  Which is not only brilliant, it also is how no other band would say it!  That’s awesome!

And “Miserabilia”?  Hooking up with your ex and hoping she thinks about you sexually when alone?  That’s one of those things that a lot of people will read and say “haaa, I’ve been there”.  And those of us who have not been there still get it!  That’s fucking badass.  Hell, that’s universal!  What’s wrong with a universally appreciated away message?

Why You Wouldn’t Want To Post This As An Away Message

Do I even have to tell you?  You’re reading those away messages and going “that’s awesome, but fuck I would not want to post that shit”.  And you’re right, mysterious anonymous reader.  You’d have to be a special level of drunk and depressed for it to be a good idea to post those, and even at that point, you’re not posting those lyrics, you’re posting a giant flashing road sign that says “HEY I’M DRUNK AND DEPRESSED!”

Oh we kid ourselves there’s future in the *vomits*

But you know what?  You’re not going to listen to me.  For every lyric that should never be posted as an away message, someone, somewhere, has posted it as an away message.  Some chemical and hormonal combination of a late night will lead you to post something you regret posting in the morning.  And I’m powerless to stop you.  So, screw it, I’m not even going to put an disclaimer on this article.  Go ahead, post these lyrics.  Do it, I don’t care, I want to see what happens.  Just remember- I told you so.  And I’m always watching you.


“JESUS CHRIST!”

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About Jeff GoodSmith

I write on occasion. Sometimes it ends up here.
This entry was posted in Jaded Hipster, Meet Sarcastic List. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Top 6 (more) Awesome Lyrics (That You Could Never Ever Post As An Away Message)

  1. Ken says:

    I think Ian and I deserve credits for identifying 2 of these in response to Volume 1.

  2. mom says:

    my daughter’s post was the one from we’re beautiful we’re doomed…got a call today from a concerned friend…you are correct…really bad post!

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